Holy shit. Wow. 33 days or so ago I made this vow to end it on my birthday and now comes the time to follow through with…..everything….it’s for the best…..for everyone. I’ve been in positions where there was no turning back like my boxing matches where once you enter that ring that’s it you’re in it, but, this type of “no turning back” is heavier in the sense that well obviously once I make that jump it’s over but I really can’t turn back because no one will ever trust me ever again, I’ll be on an even stricter suicide watch, maybe in a psych ward, I mean if I backed out and turned back of the boxing I’d be called a *****, coward, etc. but that’s not nearly as extreme as not letting no one know where you’re at in a car driving to your death spot blocking all family numbers, making your phone untrackable, on your birthday!!! No, turning back from that would be just awful.
Today was my sister’s HS graduation same high school I graduated from 6 years ago and I felt mentally and emotionally blunted as I always do but this time it was a bitter feeling as well. The speeches were all about being your own individual and following your dreams, living life according to your own values and terms, not caring what others think, and I remember I never took the speeches I heard during my graduation seriously, to me it was all the generic shit they always say just words, words, words, I could never find meaning in anything and maybe that the reason I’m in this spot now.
Anyway guys, it’s one more post after this and I’m going to try and catch the bus, that’s the phrase right?, my life did not shape me into the man I thought I would be and now I realize that I’ll never be. Seeing people my age striving and having purpose but more importantly living life in the first person and not worrying who’s looking or who’s saying what seems impossible to me. I wanted to be a force to be reckoned with I mean with all the anime I watched, One Piece, DBZ, Naruto, the lesson is the same, never give up, accept every challenge with a confident smirk, also understand yourself and know what you want and go after it regardless of anything.
I
COULDN’T
DO
IT
I cannot live in a world that I’m incapable for, I will not be submissive and weak, even though I am, I’m not happy, that doesn’t even seem possible, I do not understand and trying to understand confuses me even more, I’m in quicksand. If I die, maybe I’ll be off to another adventure I’m more suitable for, and, who knows, if everything is predestined, then this is a part of it. The universe will become more stable.
My family, is far far far from good, mom and dad hate eachother, arranged marriage, for all my life I was brought up in loneliness and immature lessons from immature parents. I don’t blame them thought, fuck it, some people come from worse, but I have no motivation or personality to move on.
God, there’s so much more I want to say to you SP members, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria mixed with a identity crisis mixed with mental illness of various kinds mixed with language/learning disorders. A man in this worlds society can’t have this, you’re a weak caveman, you will not find a mate, people will tolerate you no actually like you just to be polite, ha, I’m too bitter to continue. It’s time for the credits to roll and me to make my last splash leaving behind lack luster legacy.
Therapy, meds, self loathing, self pity, disgust, shame, guilt, sensitivity, defensive, loss of a sense of humor, poor introspection, laziness, apathy, no passion, no point.
Im not really escaping this world, I’m more so escaping my mind, being trapped in my mind for so long has developed an inept soul in me.
Im done, I’m going to grab a beer.
5 comments
You draw that?
No way
i feel the same way. by CTB ..ill be escaping my mind
I see you’re still waiting for the day, ShiSui. Honestly, I got used to your posts, certainly will miss it. People always leave though. Not going to make you back off.
Society we have is completely fucked up. Weak are the prey, strong are predators. I like to think that everything and everyone will come in the right time but you know how it is will bullshit and delusions.
Your life sounds a lot like mine, though obviously the details will be different. Just wanted to show that me and others understand at least in some way.
You say you still have so much to tell us. Do it. Say whatever you want and need to, we listen. There’s still some time before the date so why not to use it?
It’s your decision pal, so no trying to stop you.
Will miss you though mate.
I think you can get better. Maybe not from one day to the next, but over time.