12:25am

these past few days have been weird, and i don’t know how to explain it.

i’ve been forgetting to eat, and sleep doesn’t come very easily; when it does come, it brings nightmares and i just keep waking up constantly. really aggressive headaches come and go without explanation. it feels weird.

for about 10 years i’ve had passive suicidal ideations, and active ones as well, but that’s not the point. anyways, they’ve been here for a while. basically, i won’t act up on anything, but i wouldn’t mind if something happened. even though i can’t even remember days where i didn’t feel like this, it seem like no one even suspects it, which honestly surprises me immensely. at first i thought if i made it a bit obvious, maybe people would care, but if i did make it obvious, it’d just burden others. i guess i internalised the second part of that a bit more; i do tend to internalise lots of stuff. i think i just want someone to care. everyone thinks i’m okay, they honestly do; and for the longest time i thought that, if they believe i’m okay, then i can’t be that bad. boy, i was wrong. i remember about two years ago i wanted to tell my mum i wanted to talk to someone because i didn’t think that what i felt was normal, but i never really said anything; something very much like me. i’m rambling quite a lot today; maybe i’m subconsciously trying to reach out, who knows. hopefully tomorrow will be better