June 19th, 2017by noah5678

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

basically my whole life is a NIGHTMARE!

I am in SO MUCH discomfort; both physical and emotional.

i also feel like I am more confused than 99.99999% of people in the ENTIRE world. About EVERYTHING, like why I have to be me, why I can’t be someone else I want to be, why I can’t be someone who isn’t struggling THIS much. And as a result, I wish I was never born more than ANYTHING. I HATE BEING ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!

That doesn’t exactly mean that I want to die, but I wish I was never born. I HATE THE FUCK OUT OF WHO I AM, and I can’t even BEGIN to explain how many other people I would rather be.

also, FUCK YOU GOD!!!!!!!! I am sick of the way you treat me and I am sick of all the bullshit you put me through. I don’t understand why God wants ME to feel this way, while there are SO MANY other people who are happy, or even okay. I can’t even TELL YOU how much better things would be if I was never born or if I was someone else.

I AM CONFUSED AND HURT BETOND WORDS!!!!!!

I also hate God more than anything in this UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!! If I could, I would send god to hell for the rest of eternity, until he stops being such a little fucking ****!

And the other thing is; is that this will be hard to believe, but I am actually a very nice person with a very good heart. I am VERY kind to others. But I don’t like bullies. And that’s how I see God. In my opinion, he’s nothing but a ****, asshole, bastard fucker, and any other words like that you can think of.

god literally ruins EVERYTHING that I want  in my life.

WHENEVER something is important to me, he always gives me SOME kind of shit to make it not happen. This will be too long to talk about now, but if you read one of my posts, titled “This was written shortly before my 20th birthday” and you will understand a lot more than you do now. Trust me. I’m not going to include it in this post, because it will be way too long if i include it in here. But anyway.

 

one thing that is bothering the FUCK out of me right now is the fact that I can’t STAND who I am; but more importantly, I WANT TO BE SOMEONE ELSE. This may be hard to understand, but there is this teacher who I had when I was in 7th grade (I’m 20 now) and I have a HUGE obsession with her. Just about every single day of my life, especially lately, I have been wishing that I could actually BE her. I like her personality THAT MUCH.

IT IS DRIVING ME MOTHER FUCKING CRAZY THAT I CANT BE HER. I WISH I WAS HER SO BADLY AND THE FACT THAT IM NOT, ALONG WITH ALL THE CONFUSION AND OTHER BULLSHIT I DEAL WITH ON A DAILY BASIS, IS MAKING ME NOT WANT TO FUCKING LIVE ANYMORE!!!!!!

I AM PISSED THE FUCK OFF AT GOD!!!!!!!!

why the FUCK did he have to go and create me????!!!!!!!! I NEVER MOTHER FUCKING ASKED TO BE CREATED. I hate that little fucker SO MUCH that I want to boil him in hot oil and just sit back, laugh and watch him suffer. It would cause me more joy that being in FUCKING HEAVEN for god sakes!!!!!!!!!!!!

i have Asperger’s, OCD, depression, General Anxiety Disorder, and Lyme Disease. I hate just about everything about me and my personality. I HATE being different than 99.999% of people in the world. Tell me, what the FUCK is so wrong with being “normal”????

in my opinion, normal people don’t have an endless amount of bullshit to deal with, don’t hate them selves as much as I do, don’t constantly want to die, and generally feel a lot better than me. And HARDLY ANYONE is as negative as I am, I feel like. Also, I spend 99% of time in my room all by myself and all I do every night , lately, is stay up so late doing nothing but thinking about how much I hate myself and how BADLY I wish I was someone else (ESPECIALLY certain people like I mentioned earlier in this post.)

I have been dealing with MANY different things since I was 11.5 years old, and now I’m 20. So that’s almost NINE gets that I’ve been dealing with bullshit. New things each year, and now I can barely cope with things anymore.  when I was in 9th grade,  my anxiety was SO BAD that in the second half of the year, I had to frequently miss school, and I could not even handle going to school at all, and had to constantly stay home. Who the FUCK had problems like that? Sure, there are people who have it worse than me, but most likely, not anyone that I know!

i have been through more things that I can EVER explain in my life. I can’t even BEGIN to imagine a SINGLE human being who is more confused than I am, or one who is as fucked up as I am. I’m sure they exist somewhere in the world but I highly doubt I will ever meet someone as fucked up as me, as negative as me, or as confused as me. I am sick of going everywhere and having EVERYONE seem SO MICH HAPPIER THAN ME. Why can’t I be one of them????? I feel like the chances of someone being as fucked up as me as very VERY slim, while the chances of being normal and happy are like 99% greater than that. I AM SICK OF GOD AND HOW FUCKED UP HE MADE ME, AND FOR EVEN MAKING ME, PERIOD. I CANT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE AMOUNT OF PAIN IM IN.

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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