Six years ago I had tried to end my life. I swallowed shards of glass only to end up nearly dying and being hospitalized from going into septic shock. I was so angry my attempt failed and ended up just skating through all the treatment I had to complete, just like everything else in my life. I don’t see the point in being alive anymore. I feel it’s useless being here, and to be quite honest I feel I shouldn’t even be here since my attempt failed. By the days and months that go on I feel like this time here on earth is useless and I am just apathetic to everything around me. Many people say people kill themselves because of a conflict they are facing or they want control of ending ones life on their own terms. I want both, but I feel I’d need to get my affairs in order without anyone close to me being too suspicious. I am trying to shake that narcissistic side of me wanting to preserve my image to my loved ones around me while knowing no one can drag my name through the dirt while I’m dead. I don’t know what to do for a method anymore, I’m too worried I’ll fail miserably and have to deal with not one, but another attempt that was foiled. I’ve slowly been starving myself and have stopped eating, drinking anything besides water, coffee, and nutrition shakes. I’ve also thought about overdosing on fetanyl, but I feel it would just shock people who knew me that I used drugs, and I couldn’t feel right knowing whoever I got it from would receive the blame. I’ve never written a suicide letter before, and a part of me is torn to let the people around me not to blame themselves, but I also want no evidence that people can bring up thinking they can use it to justify what I’ve done. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay to everyone, I’m tired of keeping everything inside.
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I know how you feel to some extant. I have had several failed attempts. I have spent several hours on the phone with crises counselors over the last week just trying to make it to the next day. As I prepare for my suicide attempt, I have also been preparing everything so that if I fail again, I don’t lose everything. Double minded – that is me. I have tried so hard to make things better, but they have gotten worse and worse over the past twelve plus years. I don’t know if I can make it through another night trying to be “safe”. I even have plans for how I can at least hurt myself if I end up back in a hospital. I can plan that in advance, but I can only think one move at a time in a chess game. How pathetic am I??!? I have no family or friends who are invested in my life… so I am sure my death won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. It will be a pain for my building manager to clean up my apartment and throw everything in the trash, but that is about it. She has my security deposit as a payment for disposing of my belongings. I know my family or “friends” sure won’t travel to do it. And whatever this state does with dead bodies that go unclaimed is what will be with me. Whether it is donation to science or a pine box in an unmarked grave or a mass cremation… whatever will be will be.
I hate that so many people feel this way. I wish I could take all the hurt on myself and fix it for everyone, but I am in the same boat. I am so broken myself that I have become useless.