Well, I’d like to start this out with an apology. I know it’s a little late for this (or, more accurately, far too late), but I assume that it’s probably best for me to apologize all the same.
So, I guess, I’ll start out with you, Mom and Dad. I’d just like to say that I’m super sorry for making your lives miserable. I really wish that I hadn’t come (you know, like be born and stuff) when I did. I know that I kind of ruined a lot of things for you guys and I just want to say that I’m honestly sorry. And, also, I’m sorry for being incredibly moody and miserable all the time. I tried to make it less noticeable, but all I did was make everyone around more miserable than myself. I guess that’s kind of what I’m doing here, too. Killing myself is just helping myself and making everyone around me as miserable as possible. I’m sorry for this, I really am. I understand if you can’t forgive me. I would also like to make it clear that it is not your fault at all. You guys were great parents, and I would’ve told you guys if it wasn’t going to be such an inconvenience. I know this is going to be a major inconvenience, too. But if you “put the best construction on it”, this is an end to me inconveniencing you. Mom, I’m proud of you for staying sober. I know that’s not easy, and I hope you keep it up. Dad, thanks for encouraging me to do things even when I was down on myself. You guys both did all you could, but in the end, I ended up just being selfish, and I’m sorry for that. I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I hope everything co tinues going well for you.
To my brother and sister, I’m sorry for always ruining your summers. I’m sorry I was a terrible sister and I wish that I had treated you guys better. I made you guys miserable, and I had no right to do that. I know that you both have the potential to grow up and be better than I was. I should’ve been a better example to you guys than I ever was, and I’m sorry that I was a terrible role model. I should’ve been more fair and I shouldn’t have wasted years of your life being miserable like I did. I should’ve spent more time with you, and I’m quite ashamed that I didn’t. I wish the both of you nothing but the best in life. Brother, keep playing the tuba. You are a tuba genius. Don’t ever give up on that. You’re a good kid and you were a great brother. Sister, I wish I would’ve been better and done more with you. Keep reading, smartypants. You’re a good kid, so keep those grades up. You guys both always made me so proud, and I’m sorry that I didn’t say that enough while I was alive. I hope that you guys will forget about me and live long, happy lives.
Grandparents, I hope the house goes well. It looks great so far and I hope that you will give my family a bit of a break if they are being a bit irrational. Please forgive them and try to understand if they don’t want to come over. It’s not that they don’t love you; it’s that they are probably not going to be feeling the best for awhile. Please help them through this.
To anyone who was unfortunate enough to call me an acquaintance (or, more unfortunately, a friend), I am so sorry. I am selfish and can’t manage to think about anyone but myself, which I’m sure you understood if you knew me well enough. I was a constant hypocrite, and am going to continue to be a hypocrite in saying don’t do what I just did. Everyone I got to know had some good in them, and I mean EVERYONE. I know that I was an absolutr jerk to a bunch of you, or maybe I didn’t treat you as well as I should’ve and I am absolutely ashamed of myself for that. I don’t expect you to forgive me, and I hope the best for all of you. I know some really great people, you know, and I hope that you can all get on with your lives and forget that I ever existed. I hope you all the best and that everything goes well for you. You know, follow your dreams and all that nonsense. If I ever gave you advice, please ignore it. It was faulty and given by a faulty human being. I hope this doesn’t impact anyone’s life, and I am extremely sorry if it does. If it helps, please joke about this note. Perhaps, you can find humor in the fact that I alqays hated suicide notes, and always told people that I’d never write one. I suppose that my reasoning was that I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad or guilty. I guess I realized that I would probably leave people feeling guily if I didn’t leave a note. Anyway, feel free to label me as the hypocrite I was. That was always one of my worst flaws, so I’m sorry about that. Anyway, to my class, don’t try to immortalize me in a t-shirt and don’t put my death in the year book or any of that dumb stuff. I don’t want to be immortalized or remembered. I took the coward’s way out; I don’t deserve to be raised on a platform that makes me look honorable or heroic. That only encourages people to follow in my footsteps, and I don’t want that.
Now, to close this all up, you are probably wondering what it was that drove me over the edge. It wasn’t anyone. I want to make that entirely clear. This was not your fault, it was not any living person’s fault.
This is my fault.
I did this to myself. I knew the repercussions, and I hope you heal if I hurt you.
Unfortunately, I realized that, despite all the lovely, kind people who told me otherwise (whom I would like to thank sincerely), I am the problem in people’s lives. If you don’t believe this to be true, you either weren’t close enough to really see it or are in denial, a stage of grief that I was selfish enough to force you into. I had become so entangled in my thoughts (mostly about myself, since I am a rather self-centered jerk) that I realized that I have no purpose in living. I make everyone around me miserable because I, too, am miserable. Now, I don’t want anyone to pity me or any of that. I just wanted to let you know that I was a jerk and I deserved this. I ruined people’s lives and I didn’t even do anything to help them. Instead of doing the right thing and trying to fix myself to become a better person which would result in me treating the people around me better, I concluded that it was easier to just end my life instead of dealing with my problems. I’m super sorry, though I’ve said that about a thousand times in this note alone and it probably doesn’t mean anything to you. This was my fault, I am fully aware of my selfish actions, and I am sorry for them.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
5 comments
Hi AKidWithAName
I really, really, really hope you do not go through with this.
You sound (contrary to what you think) like a lovely person. Very considerate and aware of the people around you. And above all: just human.
It’s not your fault you were born when you were, that is one thing you cannot reasonably take the blame for. It’s not your fault you are depressed.
You apologise for inconveniencing others, but when you’re super depressed, it is natural to inconvenience others. In that situation, you need help, you can’t just go on as if nothing is the matter.
I implore you to ask for help. Admit that you are only human, that you need help, that life is difficult and you don’t know what to do.
Don’t expect yourself to be perfect or to always have the answer, to always be able to cope. No one is like that.
Please reconsider.
Hugs and all my warmest thoughts
I doubt that I’ll go through with it all just yet. I just realized that I’ve become increasingly terrible and I’m nearing suicide. I decided that it is best that I at the very least am prepared to do so. Looking over this note, it’s half-hearted, doesn’t convey as much as I want it to, and needs revision. I won’t give this to them.
On another note, unfortunately, I seem to have come off as someone who might be “just human” in the note, not a terrible, miserable mistake waiting to ruin everything good around me. “Inconvenience” is the only word I could think of that construed the idea I wanted.
As for getting help, I have thought about this many times. Unfortunately, this would cause many inconveniences for my family, especially when I’m not planning to live very long. I just feel so guilty all the time, and even still, I don’t feel guilty for the things I should. I already ruin things enough for everyone, I don’t want to continue to do this. I am absolutely ashamed of myself, and yet I still won’t fix myself (for which I have no one to blame but myself).
Anyway, I wish the best for you. Hopefully, your mentality stays stable enough for you to lean towards staying alive.
You are obviously very intelligent. And you obviously struggle with life.
Also, you stubbornly blame yourself for everything. There is some neurotic need for control there. If I can just apologise for everything or erase myself from existence, then there will be order in the universe once more. I am not good enough, I have fallen short, I am an embarrassment, and if I can just die, I will not have to deal with all this shit. There will be no more failure, no more humiliation, no more to apologise for. No more pain, no more exhaustion.
That’s my guess, at least. I may be wrong.
You are very close. You were very correct about the control aspect. I am a control freak and I hate myself for it. It is one of my many seemingly unchangeable sins. I do believe that eliminating myself might help several people’s lives become better. It might not be the only thing that needs to happen before they find happiness or a sense of purpose or whatever they’re looking for, but I am aware of my part in blocking them from that. Besides, after a suicide, people always band together and try to make each other feel okay. People realize that they need to get help or they will end up like me. Thus, my dying would do people good.
The difference in my thinking is that I am no longer doing any of this for me. I used to be even more selfish than I am now and wanted to end my life so as to end the pain and guilt and shame in the process. I have accepted the guilt by taking it on, which is the only way it can be dealt with. Surely, none of this is anyone else’s fault, and if I had a role in the event, then I am condemned to being guilty for it. I took part somehow (yes, even in birth), therefore I am part of the problem. If I am taken out of the equation, I cannot be a contributor to unfortunate events, meaning that there will be less problems in the world, but more importantly in the lives of those I know and care about.
I don’t stupidly believe that I am significant enough to actually change the world for the better. I am not significant at all. I have no purpose but to help those around me, and if I cannot do that, then I am faulty and should be condemned. I don’t expect others to believe or go along with this philosophy because it is my own. The world will not change because one person (if I can even be called that at this point) dies. Yet, I will still have accomplished something in death: a better life, outlook, and future for those who I care about. People change because of tragedy, and this is a method of damage control. If I end my own life, a life I don’t even wish to live, those around me feeling like this will understand that it is more reasonable to get help than do what I did. My life is damage control.
My god, you are so hard on yourself! I hope you’ll have enough time to view things from multiple and antagonistic perspectives. I think you’d find out we make some things really heavy when they could be… a little lighter.