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its my first post ever on a forum .. I need to someone to talk to . I usually never talk to anyone. I used to believe I enjoyed being alone, but I realize what I’m doing to myself and it’s scary that I can’t stop myself. I’m killing myself slowly. The best/worst part is no one has a clue.
I’m a closet alcoholic. Not one person knows that I literally drink hard liquor all day/everyday. At the end of a long day of work sometimes I go home and black out, and tell my family I was just tired . My tolerance, as you can imagine, is insane and I’ve gotten very close to dying in my own bed a few times. I’ve also been using opioids off and on to help me sleep at night the past two years.
I get a lot of attention from men. I use them, and let them use me. I’ve been having dreams about these certain men recently, where the tables are turned and I desperately want their affection, and they tell me how I really feel about them in real life. “I just needed a release from everyday life and stress”. This makes me see how much of a piece of human filth I really am.
I’ve been like this for awhile. A P.O.S.
Which is probably why I can never keep a friend. I can make friends .. but after a few months lose touch. All of my relationships are superficial. Can’t let these people see the ugliness inside.
Not sure how long this body can hold out.
thanks for reading.
11 comments
Hi, I can be your friend?
Of course, I am not a good one though hah.
I’m sorry that you are so low on yourself. But you are not alone.
Alcoholism is awful. Just like any escape from reality, it is great for a while, but it eventually makes things so much worse.
It is so hard to let people see the ugly part of you, but I believe if you ever want to heal, you must. That can be anonymously at first, and to a therapist later, and eventually people who you connect with.
Thank you. &yes I sometimes think the same thing. It is scary though, that’s why I’m testing the waters on a forum first. I hope your Sunday is a decent one
Yes, it is scary. This is as good a place to start as any.
My Sunday is okay, alone of course, but nothing out of the ordinary.
Btw, hins. I like your nick. Reminds me of The Beatles’ hit.
Welcome to SP.
You know, it’s always hard to show others, especially those you care about, what is the ‘real’ dirty you. If you hate something, you want to hide it deep inside because you’re sure that others will despise it just as much or even more than you do.
It’s okay though. People here rarely judge and you’re definitely not the first alcoholic here. Maybe by posting you’ll get some peace of mind, as well as courage to get done things that need to be done.
That’s exactly what I am hoping for. Never tried actually talking about it/writing about it . Thank you
Your not filth. Your not ugly inside. Your a beautiful human being who is going through a rough patch. The alcohol doesn’t help but it does numb out the pain so I totally understand why you drink. Friends are out there, the same way they’re right here. If you ever want to talk on a Sunday or any day for that matter without being judged, then hit me up and we can talk about the silly things in life… Smile. Have a great Monday.
I’ve been having dreams like you described… its fucking disgusting about people I don’t even care for and aren’t even worthwhile to dream about. It makes me sick. So are you a woman or a homosexual male?
Omg, yes and the worst part is I wake up feeling depressed about the situation that isn’t even real . Like I actually love these people but I don’t. I feel like it may just be the loneliness.
I’m a woman, btw.