I cannot tell the majority of my story here because if I did, I am sure the people I want to protect the most, will work out who posted this should they find it. I’ve even changed my writing style and the lot to post this, that’s how important it is that these people do not find out what I am intending to do. I DO NOT want ‘saving’ and I DO NOT want ‘help’ because there isn’t any.
A very long story cut short, I am an ‘addict’ who abused research chemical Benzodiazepines for a long period, and I stopped them last year after a law came in banning them in my country. I was using a LOT too, way more than any doctor in their right mind would prescribe, ever. I can’t say what the actual dose was as this too could help some do gooder identify me, but it was a LOT and I stopped it very fast, equivalent to a cold turkey.
Rightfully I should have had a seizure and died then, but sadly I didn’t. I spent days having hallucinations of fire breathing demons and blood pouring down the walls, I aged about 20 years in a week, my hair began to fall out, infected boils covered my once clear skin, my heart went absolutely insane, but the worst was yet to come.
I have now been off these a few months, and the symptoms are pretty much the same as the weeks after I stopped. I have tremendous muscle and joint pain, I can’t move very well, I have to force feed myself, my vision is so blurred I cannot read anymore, I used to love reading books, but I cannot even read a newspaper headline now. My heart is still out of control, it races and thumps like a huge bass drum in my chest. I get excruciating chest pain as well, but sadly it’s never the heart attack I want to have.
My skin burns like the core of the sun.
My whole body and insides are vibrating at an insane frequency, it’s internal, nobody else can see it. Makes sitting/standing/leaning/ any posture very painful. I must admit this symptom is a huge contributory factor to my decision to finally take matters into my own hands and end my ‘life’.
Tinnitus constantly screams in my ear, I never get a minute of quiet. This is louder than whatever I am listening to. Sometimes I swear I can hear voices through the Tinnitus too. That’s something you don’t tell others.
Every day I am crushed by the most awful exhaustion and fatigue, feels like you are coming down with a disease all the time. My bones ache, everything hurts. I wake up at night crying out from horrendous muscle and joint pain.
I cannot breathe, every day is a struggle for air, feels like there is a huge blockage somewhere between my lungs and throat. So far no medical evaluations have shown anything up. I get told ‘no way is this Benzodiazepine withdrawal, you withdraw and that’s it!’. Maybe it’s not, it could also be the result of years of uncontrolled anxiety. My body has finally broken under the torture I have subjected it to.
I love being asleep, and being able to sleep in this mess is a gift from some unknown deity. I now want to make the nothingness that is the void of sleep, permanent. If being dead is just a void of nothing, that’s fine by me. iI die, so do all these symptoms.
My body is like a runaway train going at full speed (this is really what it feels like), and it’s time to let it hit the buffers.
I just don’t know how to lessen the blow for those I am going to be leaving behind. I am a selfless person, but I cannot live like this anymore. I am not even living now, I’m not even existing.
Please don’t take Benzos. I really wish I could have told my story in more detail in the hopes it may make someone think twice before taking a Benzo. Please do some research on Benzo withdrawal. If I had, I may not be about to die at my young age. If you are on a Benzo and considering stopping, ask yourself ‘do I want to lose everything that’s good in my life?, do I want to lose my job, my friends, my family, my partner, my kids, my health?’. I can guarantee Benzo withdrawal will take all those things away from you, and replace them with a hell you never knew existed.
I have lost both a parent and a step parent to cancer, I wish I could tell you who they were because they were wonderful people, but I can’t because it’ll risk identifying me. I will say that if someone told me I had cancer right now, and that is what is making me so unwell, it would be a huge relief. That’s what Benzo withdrawal is, something that makes even the most awful diseases known to man look like walks in the park on a sunny day.
I would have rather stayed on Benzos for the rest of my life and had something close to a life. That’ll never happen though, no doctor prescribes to addicts. I was an addict, since then I have grown up. I was a kid then for want of a better description, I’m well and truly an adult now.
I am fucking sick of being told ‘the only answer to this is time’. Well fuck me, like all things, time runs out and mine is up.
I’ve spent too long in this place, it’s time to check out.