Can’t catch a Break

I’m a very caring and compassionate person, I give and give and give. But I can’t ever catch a break from anyone. I just get lectured about how I need to be more responsible and how I shouldn’t struggle. But damnit when everyone else needed a break I gave it to them. Heaven forbid I get the same courtesy when I hit a rough spot. Part of me wants to just lose it. It’s not like I’m needed by many people. Only thing that keeps me going half the time is the burdens I would leave on my family and friends. And because I’m a caring person I can’t do it. The world we live in is so ugly. Human compassion is almost non existent. I keep my walls up so no one can get to me. Because everytime I let someone else in they just leave. And whatever impact no matter how little they had on my life leaves a gaping hole. There’s days I don’t feel a thing and then days where I feel it all. I hate being down all the time and being in my head. I have a relationship with someone and was told to ‘calm down’ one day and that it gets scary when they get mad. And my mind went straight to my abusive ex and thinking that if I didn’t knock it off they would get mad and hurt me. Those things terrify me, like what if I never meet someone who loves me? I can’t imagine a life worth living if I can’t share it with someone. But then again who would wanna be with someone like me, who consistently struggles with a PTSD, depression and anxiety???