I can’t live in this world anymore.
Can’t even explain.
I think I went through some kind of spiritual experiences and there is this internal conflict in me for a while now, let’s call it hell.
Sometimes I’m happy though.
But I can’t live in this world, I don’t feel I belong, when people seem so passionate about some corporate or non-corporate work I just want to kill myself. Those living in this system, making sense of it, looking at me with their wide eyes in misbelief “you just need to do x”. “you’re just looking for your place in this world”.
I don’t think there is any.
There is this world living inside me, below the mud that wants to be seen but there is too much mud.
But I can’t do this. This conflict is a war with two sides that will never surrender.
I have now three more months to live like this, without a job, in an isolated state pretending I’m not part of this.
After that I’ll have to do something and I don’t feel able to live in this world…I’m the ultimate outsider.
And back to here…to deathwishing…
4 comments
brw
You are not the ‘ultimate outsider’. To me (and others on here) you represent sanity. The things you write about, us guys feel as well. One of your last post’s ‘I’ve been stuck for so long’ was mentioned by another member that it should be ‘stickied’. I completely agree.
Sure society may have ‘ostracised’ you (me as well) but i say this: Fuck society and fuck it’s ideals of a what a human should be. Also while i’m at it, fuck the corporate world as well.
You are great brw. You don’t need to do shit to prove your worth to this insane asylum.
Thank you, mid. You’re always so thoughtful and your comments show so much sensitivity. I appreciate you being here.
Yeah, I don’t know how to live now. Just feel the contrast is more and more obvious between me and these people around me irl.
Also I find it interesting that people tell me so often that they can relate to my writings…well, writings about and around pain and hopelessness..
But I have thos need to bring something to the world …to use my time while here, to be useful..helpful.
Maybe it’s a narcissistic thing.
(sorry my head is not clear right now because I needed to sorta self-medicate a bit)
Same here mate.
I just don’t know anymore. I really have fallen quite badly this year. I’m also ‘self medicating’ a little bit too much. Pills are going down, followed by alcohol (am not a fan of alcohol buzz) but it’s killing the pain a little.
Thankyou for all the kindness you show although i did chuckle at sensitivity. (My ‘sensitive thoughts’ consists of me effing and blinding all over the place.)
Believe me, sensitivity is there, I can feel it. Even if it might not be obvious to you…
Now it’s 6am and I haven’t slept at all, been drawing triangles and binge-watching this tv show called “In treatment”. Not sure you’ve heard of it, it’s about a therapist and his sessions, and also personal life.
At one point he is telling a client who is depressed that he wants her to call her every time she feels so down that she cannot get up from the floor.
And I was feeling so envious…I would really need that, and wanted that…but can’t have it.
Then again when someone shows real concern I push them away.
So yeah, just rambling here.
I didn’t want to fall asleep because I wanted to feel the effect of this pill and not sleep on it and then wake up into the arms of anxiety.