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Confused

by Vilhelm

Hey,

I’ve recently been going out with a girl, who, like me, is depressed and suffers from anxiety etc. We are both aware the other knows of our problems, and we still want to go out with each other, regardless of our occasional down moments.

Unlike me, she is very good at showing when she’s upset, which in turn, upsets me, as normally I’m not sure what has triggered it, whether it was me, or something else. As you can imagine this puts me constantly on edge, trying to figure out what I’ve done wrong.

At the same time, I’m well practised at hiding how I’m feeling, which has caused tension between us. She thinks I should open up more, whereas I believe it’s my problem, not hers. I also don’t like talking about my problems at the same time as she’s talking about hers, as I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to challenge her on how bad her life is.

I’m not really sure if this is healthy in a relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Vilhelm

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2 comments

muspelhem 6/17/2017 - 5:15 pm

I think the first thing is you need to stop making assumptions about why she’s in a bad mood. You’re putting yourself on edge. It needn’t have anything to do with you. Everyone is upset now and then.

Second, she may be good at showing that she’s upset, but if she leaves no clues as to why, what’s the use? AKA she’s not as good at communication as you give her credit for.

Your problem is that you see a relationship as something where you have to constantly be monitoring your partner, ready to respond appropriately to every fluctuation in their mood. Not so. Hell, lots of guys will TEASE their girlfriends when they’re in a bad mood, and the relationship will hold up.

Because, at the end of the day, it is each person’s OWN responsibility to make themself understood. It is not the other person’s responsibility to read their mind.

She wants you to open up more. She is curious about you. You should go at your own pace, but it is normal for someone you’re in a relationship to want to get to know you intimately. If you never throw her a bone, I don’t think that’s great. And stop worrying about upstaging her or something. She expressed interest. Anyway, it’s not a competition.

In summary: stop mindreading and expecting others to read yours. Start listening to what she is actually saying (I want you to open up) over what your mind is saying (I shouldn’t upstage her). And both of you start expressing yourself clearly.

She’s a woman, so they often like leaving you guessing a bit. I guess to see how smart you are. Don’t obsess over it, just chill. As I said, you really don’t need to be some super attentive helicopter partner-type person.

un 6/17/2017 - 5:22 pm

You shouldn’t automatically think it’s your fault. If you’re both interested in each other, that probably means you talk. In most healthy relationships if one person has a problem with another they bring it up, address it, and move on. You could always ask her to tell you when her feelings involve you, and stop worrying about it. But at the same time, not everything is to do with you, and you aren’t responsible for her emotions. You also can’t expect her to open up while staying locked in. Do you see her issues as just her problem?
If you can relate your problems, it’s fine to talk at the same time. You aren’t in competition.

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