Has anyone else been thinking about suicide for so long that you’re now desensitized to it in a way? But then you forget that no one else has any idea and you almost just bring it up casually in conversation? And you would wonder why they were looking at you with that horrified look on their face? Probably just me, but it makes me laugh sometimes.
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Feel the same way. Even my therapist gets that look on her face whenever I bring it up. I am always extra careful when this subject comes up with friends and family.
There’s this one boy in my class that sometimes jokingly blurts out that he wants to kill himself. You can see the unease on everyone’s face whenever he does so. They look at him with pity, and just laugh it off.
But in truth, I feel like suicide is a choice that shouldnt be looked down upon with shame. Everyone goes at some point.
I can get away with venting about my suicide, mainly due to those around me thinking that I’m saying it “ironically” or some bullshit like that. The only time they almost took me seriously is when I named my suicide “TIREd of living” (the plan was to sit under the wheels of a bus as people got on). People don’t care anymore. It’s just the way it is. Talking about it in a pretend-joking manner actually used to help me because it would take the edge of truth off of the comments I made.
Yes, that and my fatalistic view of our current times scares my loved ones. I have to screen my thoughts carefully before speaking so as not to freak everyone. For example I told a friend that I wanted to move to a major city that would most likely be a the target during nuclear war as I want it over quickly as opposed to a slow burn or death by radiation poisoning. She was horrified. I did almost laugh at the expression on her face. I can understand many being shocked by suicidal talk because they’ve never been in “that place” but shocked by the potential for WW3? How sweet to live in that delusion.
I may be desensitized from years of depression, but I am scared shitless for anyone in my family to find out how much pain I am in.
I would never dare broach the subject with them, though I have nearly slipped up a few times. I just laughed it off. They have NO idea.