How do you people go through with this?

June 16th, 2017by Black Holez

I’ve come to the realization that everything that has transpired in my life for the last 4 years has led me to being down, depressed and unable to socialize and do ordinary day-to-day tasks. I just sulk around the house unable to do anything, thinking about things like how worthless I am, how abandoned and rejected I truly feel. If I do go out and try something new, I’m unable to function and do ordinary tasks, making people view me as some kind of failure or a retard because I make a mistake. It doesn’t help that they view me as some kind of mentally unstable person. This also compounds the problem hence I want to just stay in the house and pity myself. But then if I just stay in the house it adds to my feelings of worthlessness so I try to reach out again only to be shut down and shunned. If people follow my posts, this can all be traced back to four years ago. I don’t know why people around me despise me. My parents view me with disdain and I really don’t have anyone to talk to in my house. I don’t even have friends now because of life circumstances that were totally out of my control.

I’ve done my very best to function and tried everything but if you just act all humble, meek and nice, people will step all over you. But if you fight back and become mean, it’s your fault and they will view you as some easily triggered person ripe to be bullied. Seems like I can never win no matter what I do. I’m like a socially radioactive person that everyone tries to stamp out before they even have a chance to know what I truly am. The sad part is I wasn’t the gloomy, negative type of person before. I was bubbly and alive, made friends easily and very sociable to the point that I was well known by people as “confident” and “popular” regular kind of guy. I could do anything whether it was physically demanding jobs or academic ones. Now I tire easily (even though there’s really nothing wrong with me physically) and don’t want to do anything. It’s like my mind is playing games with me. This just compounds the problem further because I’m now viewed as someone who easily gives up and an underachiever.

I’ve tried reaching out to my parents but they don’t even bother reaching out to me to see what I’m going through. They try to ignore the problem solely because they don’t want to go through the realization that they’re part of the problem that I’m going through. They turn a blind eye and give stupid catchphrases like “You make your own destiny,” “Happiness is a choice,” or the worse one is “Maybe you are the problem.” All I can do is cry and self-pity at this point. It’s as if God has cursed me. Every day is a battle of survival. While I may be physically okay, my mind is slowly dying from the silence, rejection, depression and loneliness. I don’t even know how long I can last like this. My only consolation is my girlfriend who stays with me but even I don’t know how that will last. It hurts to even type this because I’m reminded that all I have is a computer screen in front of me.

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