Have to actually ‘adult’ today

It’s been a terrible weekend. Not in terms of being lonely, or anything like that. I had friends over and I was around people. The problem was being in my head all weekend. I hate not being able to have normal relationships due to my PTSD. I don’t let anyone get close, keep em’ an arms length away. Mostly to protect myself, but now it’s interfering with having someone significant into my life. At the same time though when things got rough this weekend all I heard was ‘you need to chill out’ ‘you need to calm down’ ‘you don’t want to see me mad’ and all I remembered was my ex husband and how I constantly heard those things before the abuse started. It makes me wonder if I let this current relationship go on what will happen. I’m fairly certain I’m gonna leave my current boyfriend. Ive already started isolating myself and not talking to him as much, figured if he cooled his jets it’d be easier to talk to him. I just wish my life was normal, and that I didn’t dread having to get outta bed, and getting myself together. I’ve had a lot of intrusive thoughts these past few days and not even the pharmaceutical cabinet of PTSD meds make me feel any better or really anything at all. Ive lived a numbing life the past few years, and just wonder is it always going to be this? I just struggle with being empathetic these days. Anyways thanks for reading my rambles.