I have. I lose and god wins.
That freak will get what he wants. I will kill myself and burn in hell.
I plan on jumping off a nearby bridge next month. I have to. It’s not like I’ll ever be the same ever again. 5+ years… this is too much.
I am more worried that I will back out of it. I hope so strongly that I can find the courage to finally jump. I just have to.
I feel like I could succeed considering that bridge is known for its suicides.
13 comments
Five years of suffering is too much to take and remain sane and strong. I don’t know if you really believe in eternal hell fires or if that is just more of a saying. If you do believe in eternal damnation then it is illogical to jump from the bridge. Five years of intense, hellish suffering has been too much, exchanging it for an eternity of hellish suffering makes no sense. Sometimes just at the moment we think we absolutely cannot take it anymore a little big of relief can come. I am 44 and I have suffered most of my life and of course I want it to stop but I guess that whilst I am alive there is at least the remote chance that the suffering could ease up for a while. I dunno, I don’t believe in eternal hell, I just felt compelled to comment and urge you to try and wait just in case…you could somehow just find a way to not jump off the bridge.
I learned the statistics and the process of jumping of bridges, so as my first attempt to help you hopefully cope with your struggles i hope you’ll hear me out. You’ve held on for so long, five years or more and I’m positive you must be feeling helpless as of now. Needing to live for this month so that you can die peacefully? That your plan? It was mine, I couldn’t breath without thinking of everything I was leaving behind but than again how much better it would be for everyone. I’m not saying to suck it up either, I don’t know your life but there must’ve been some part of you that wanted some advice or non-encouraging thoughts. Countless times, as humans we look for approval whether it be our littlest or last decision. You seem set but take a moment to see if you actually want to die forever or cease existence. I’m hear for lending an ear.
You better replace god with creator of this world, which could be anyone(according to satanists it’s Satan, according to Gnostics the Demiurge, and so on.
It’s your mental prison caused by terrible depression that makes you believe that the creator of the entire universe is also responsible for the evil of this planet. I don’t know. You may still be right.
But the word God, in my opinion, can be equated with supreme goodness, eternal love, peace and everything that is good multiplied one hundred times.
It’s true that on this planet we have none of this. But we have hints given by near death experiences, mystics who felt high vibrational presences and the example of beauty found in this very world.
And yes, there is a huge contradictions in world religions and every religion seems to use the word god… and connect it to terrible things and even supreme evil. But it’s our fault that people do project their mental images on the word god.
You’re just making a semantic difference. If you define God as strictly good, then your definition simply doesn’t mesh with the original definition. The definition of God in the Webster dictionary is “the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.” So effectively, you’re not talking about God, you’re talking about Goodness.
The problem with what you’re doing is, change the definition of God and you change the religion. Unless you ascribe to your own personal religion, what you’re doing is blaspheming.
Also, Satanists don’t believe Satan created the world. That was just a branch of Laveyanism that soon died out.
We know that we originate with God, but the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one. 1 John 5:19
I’m not one to judge but you want to kill yourself because of your height? Being bullied and have no way out, I understand. Being abandoned and left alone, I undersrand. Humans have a need to be in a group or part of a group. Being isolated and all alone? I understand. Being abused by parents or got molested at an early age? I understand. Traumas like that lrave a scar. But wanting to kill yourself because of your height despite being athletic and having a good build? This I’m left wondering why you’d want to kill yourself. It’s not like height is a detriment. In fact plenty of short but athletic people have made it to the NBA and lived their dreams. In fact some of those short people are known to be dunkers. I fail to see what your problem is to be honest. Many of us here would want to be in your shoes shen you’re athletic and young lookin despite your age.
To add, it’s like you’re just trolling us at this point. Won’t be surprised, some people view those with depression and suicidal people as having nonsensical problems who are just going through a lhase. This must be a parody or satire of suicidal/depressed people. It has to be. I fail to see how height emasculates you and makes you a degenerate. Are you from /pol/ by chance?
Believe what you want. I already know how people tend to downplay the problems of others. I don’t really care if you can understand my brain or not.
I have over 3k notes about this on my phone and honestly, that doesn’t do it enough justice. I have many many problems but this is the one that gets to me the most since it acted like my linchpin.
I’ve talked to “professionals” and they use THEIR personal criteria as to when it’s justified to feel “sad”.
They basically make the same list you did where “there are others who have it worse” but just because someone has it worse, it won’t magically make me feel better. That’s not how it works.
Plus, it sounds silly to me when they say that because they are basically being hypocrites.
What I mean is that they are essentially saying “I want you to live in self-denial but I won’t live in self-denial”. They have their own thing that makes their life worth it. Basically, they have no right to tell me to live in self-denial if they won’t do the same. They want me to live without my linchpin, then I should respond to them “you first”. Really, it’s a double standard.
Every person is different. I had my own linchpin while others have theirs. It’s basically pointless to compare my problems with others and visa versa.
These thoughts get very dark.. especially throughout the end of the day. Really, some things I just can’t explain with words. No one understood my passion because it really was a unique obsession.
I want to add one more thing. Even though I’ve mentioned it, I don’t think I emphasized it enough and that is that time was extremely valuable to me and that I feel like my life was wasted. I explained how my life feels wasted in terms of my body because I have given up on this pile of trash and so I lost all my progress so I would have to start over which just wouldn’t be the same..to start over as a 12 year old at age 22 but another thing that gets me is that I have MANY problems that could have been avoided had I just went for a GED instead of WASTE 4 years in highschool. I feel emasculated because of my financial situation along with having this degenerate height. I could have had an established life along with my surgeries by now had I just gotten a GED since around 80% of a human’s brain is developed by the age of 3 and I basically fully matured in terms of my personality when I was around 13-14.
This is one of the things I can’t explain well with words but being inefficient makes me want to kill myself because I used to be obsessed with unlocking my full potential. Being so old (by MY standards) and having accomplished nothing makes this life not worth living. I hate how my academic life turned out as that used to be something I was passionate about too. It may not sound like much to you but the way people react to any given problem varies and inefficiency alone is worthy of suicide to me.
It really isn’t easy to describe “passion” with words. Probably not even possible.
It’s not that I wanted to say “others have it worse” but having suicidal thoughts over height was ridiculous. Now that you mentioned other problems, it’s more understandable why you feel that way. Trust me, I understand more than you probably think – that feeling to have wasted your life and it has come to nothing. That’s what makes me depressed too and I’m already in my early 30s. You’re lucky, you’re still young and you cam still turn your life around. Perhaps you’re just a late bloomer? It’s really not unheard of. There are instances where people who were considered the quiet, shy, outcast type of guys in their teens suddenly became great at socializing and became successful in their 20s. Maybe you’re one of them.
If I came overly judgmental in my previous post then I apologize but now that you’ve explained your predicament a whole lot clearer then I can emphathize because most of us deoressed people go through the same things as well.
Last last reply (unless you reply).. the word “nonsensical” is subjective. Quite honesty, you’re not the first to say that. It really is annoying because again, it sounds like a double standard to say “problem x is stupid but problem y is justified”. You don’t get how high my self-esteem was before.
Those “problem ys” would be problems that wouldn’t even phase me before. People don’t understand just how confident I was and just how easily I could cope with problems others couldn’t because of how confident I felt with my linchpin.
I would have been perfectly fine with my linchpin..
To truly understand, you just have to know the significance of the word “linchpin”. I will NEVER be able to emphasize that word enough.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/linchpin
Well, by the way, I sent that “Last last” reply before I saw your reply. Anyways, I am old by MY standards. Others that are my age probably still feel “young” but in my head, I might as well be in my 60s. I feel like a child because of this body yet in the same time I feel like an old man because of my age.. maybe I may seem young but I was always planning on dying “young” age, even before I fell into a deep depression. Quite honestly, the only 2 reasons I stay is for my surgeries and my fear of hell… too bad I can’t feel it as logical to believe in no god.