Is this the end? I think it may be. It feels the same, it feels like absolutely nothing. Like the will to live has been sucked out of me. I wouldn’t even describe it as the will to live. It is the complete absence of any feeling at all. There is no doubt in my mind that I would be better off dead. It is an indisputable fact.
The thing I really fucked up on was not doing what needed to be done all those years ago. I knew then that I was never going to be cut out for this world, but I just couldn’t end it. Maybe there was part of my spirit that believed it was possible for me to be happy. I should have jumped off of that bridge. Everything would have been so much simpler if I jumped. I had no one that loved me then and no one that needed me. Within two weeks the world would have completely forgotten my existence, and it would have gone back to normal.
It’s so complicated now. No matter how badly I want to die, I must consider others and the guilt makes it impossible. I will continue along in this miserable existence for another 20 years or so and then I will finally be able to end it.
I wish those damn pills would have worked. Or that it didn’t hurt when I tried to hang myself. Or that I wouldn’t have been such a coward. I have told myself that I deserve every bit of pain I get after not following through. I do.
7 comments
You dont dseserve the pain you are going thru. But i so relate to your story. I am sorry for what you are going thru.
Thank you
🙁
It saddens me a lot just to know that you feel that way
I could only imagine how sad it could be
when you’re the one feeling this way
but like Christinea,
I don’t think you deserve that pain
not in any way
& the fact that you could not go through with it
does not make you a coward
it makes you a normally functioning human being
we are built with a most powerful instinct to survive
even if not a “happy” survival
I know it’s difficult for you to see this right now
but
do you think
in time
it would be possible for you to see
a “useful survival”
as your ultimate goal
rather than a “happy survival”
?
Hi Farah, I appreciate all the time and energy you spend helping others. I do not see myself becoming anything more than I am, but maybe that changes.
your appreciation is most appreciated 🙂
I pray that changes
& I pray
if it’s possible
that I help change it with you…
if only you’d give me a chance to help
big hugs
with love
<3
Farah, i agree with everything you said. But as far as a useful survival , i can understand your point of view. But speaking only for myself, that sucks. Because i am a caregiver, i am told all the time that i have a purpose and people that count one would miss me greatly. And i get all that. But yet, despite all the good that i do, I still feel like a piece of shit inside. Been trying to get help for this ever since i was in grade school but so far, no real progress has been made in changing that perception.
Thanks for listening. 🙂
Christinea
let me first say
that I think you’re an amazing person for all what you do
second,
I understand your point of view too
& I have a lot to tell you
concerning this
& concerning your posts too
but I had a really really long day
& I urgently need sleep
will get back to you as soon as I possibly can
🙂
<3