i am the cause of my pain..
i have a history of suicidal attempts, everyday i try to fight to survive , hoping one day it will be better soon, my family and my friends they don’t know im dying inside.. and then i met her. i met her at my worst. she lifted up my spirit each day i am with her. she loved me despite of my difficulties, my dramas, my sarcasm, my ego and craziness and stubborness.. but each day that my love grew for her, the more i fell in love with her, the more im ruining the relationship. The more i want her all to myself the more she struggles to be free. The more i want her attention and her time the more she ignores me. I am selfish and insensitive. The more i protect myself from being hurt because i don’t want history to repeat itself the more i ruined it. I ruined the love that i don’t deserve. I hurt the person i love more than myself. I pushed her away from me.
Now there is so much pain. its hard that i am stucked here and cannot do anything to get her back. its hard to breathe. its hard to smile without her. its hard to control the tears. its hard to plan a future without her. its hard, its hard to live in pain.
i cry in the shower so no one can hear me, the tears are easily washed off.. i cant sleep and no appetite to eat.. i am torn into pieces..
i didn’t post here to tell the world that i’m heartbroken. im posting hoping that one day when she comes across this post , i don’t know how , i dont when, just maybe she might came across this , when there’s no more second chances..and when im gone. i want her to know i love her so much. It was my fault. its was all me. i just Don’t? want to live each day with pain of knowing your love has died for me because of my doing. wishing i don’t want to wake up anymore and when it happens ill be your guardian angel. I love you so much janice!
2 comments
I have loved deeply in my life. And I know the excitement a relationship can give. I know the feeling.
Believe me. When this love is over, you start to forget. I know that right now you see no other option. But you can rebuild your life.
Now I enjoy my life.
You only need to be realistic. You need to see exactly who the person you love really is. And I don’t say that you should focus on the negative aspects. I don’t say that you should not love her anymore. Love is supreme. It’s the most important feeling in the universe.
It gives meaning, it gives energy, it gives life.
All I can tell you: time will vanish the memory. I don’t want to be rude. But tell you: LIFE IS WORTH LIVING. If you can rebuild your energy, focus your attention on living life and enjoying things, life will become worth living.
And remember: never rely on someone else to change you. People are unpredictable and many time unreliable. They have their own lives. You are the one who can change yourself.
Unfortunately love isn´t worth fighting for unless the other person is willing to fight together. I´m in a similar position to yours but have failed to maintain relationships with women who have brought out strong emotions in my life. I wish I could tell you time will heal but unless you´re decided to move on and meet new people time will only make memories feel worse. Also please don´t attempt, you´ll only emotionally devestate people who cared about you including her.