I wanted to do something for the world…to help people, to bring more vulnerability, sensitivity into the world. To make the world a more honest place where people can open up and show their vulnerable side, because this is the only way we can truly connect with each other.
But I am unable to do it, I am unable to live on this freaking planet, in this society, I can’t do it. So I’m useless.
I’m sorry. I want to feel safe and I don’t. I feel abandoned and alone. It hurts so much. Can I leave? Maybe try something else? Another game? This one got overwhelming…
48 comments
By being honest and kind to one person only, you can change their world. No need to tear yourself apart
I don’t want to be kind, I want to be able to express myself and also my negative emotions and give others the permission to do the same.
I’ve never been allowed to express myself and now my personality is fucked because I don’t know who I am, all I know is to become what others want from me.
It’s too late for me maybe.
I said kind and honest dear blue. You can’t just give yourself out because you can’t pour from an empty cup, you also can’t only take or others will not be able to cope. Changing the world would be hard and if you want it, you need to start small. Simple steps. Change a world of a one person only and that’s enough. It’s not too late, we are all lost here blue, seeking any familiar parts of our former selves. It needs time though, to change both the world and get to know yourself.
“I don’t want to be kind, I want to be able to express myself and also my negative emotions and give others the permission to do the same.”
doing that means taking huge risks. The only way I see it happening is at the beginning of an interaction (when you first meet someone). It’s make of break
“I don’t want to be kind, I want to be able to express myself and also my negative emotions and give others the permission to do the same.”
You’re here aren’t you? You’re expressing yourself now aren’t you? No one can give or take your permission to express, you’re just afraid of being judged. Start with a private blog and let it all out on there, that’s what I did. At my darkest and hardest moments, I write it all out on my private blogger; let all my anger and frustrations out and I come back to read my past post to see who I was and how much I’ve improved. You can start here too if you want feedback, You’re anonymous so open those floodgates you call a heart and let it all out!
You’re impatient. You’re thinking too big and too fast. No one can change the world overnight. Think of it this way; if you influence one person, they take that and influence others around them. How you treat others has a domino effect, whether is’a good or bad, it’s contagious. Our world seems so shitty because people are easily influenced by the bad deed of others, like for example, a victim of a scam gets so angry that they end up being a scammer themselves to get back at the “world” and it goes round and round. I’m going to stop preaching and leave you with a quote that touched me and I hope it touches you too.
“The world suffers a lot. Not because the violence of bad people. But because of the silence of the good people.”
? Napoléon Bonaparte
Ok, thanks..I still feel useless. And powerless. But I know no one can understand…unfortunately
I know how frustrated you are with the way society is, I am too, nothing makes sense. You think it’s not the way it should be and that it could be better and you’re tired of feeling like you’re living on another planet, like an alien isolated from “home”.
People are different and that’s why conflicts exist. You can’t change people, you can only change yourself. If you believe you’re useless, you will become useless. It’s all about your perception. If you don’t like something, change it, If you can’t change something, change your attitude.
I shouldn’t have posted.. I’m sorry..I will shut up.
Chill out. It’s just words. 🙂
I’m glad you posted blue
that’s the wrong way of looking at things.
what you want to do is commendable. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s impossible the change the world. The only change you can make are on the small scale. If you can truly improve the life of a few people, you would’ve made a tremendous difference.
I believe you are on the right track. As far as I am concerned, You approach is good
You sound just like me when I was a teenager. My parents didn’t allow me to express myself too, I was taught to be “obedient” and they kept me submissive with threats and fear. The day I rebelled was the day I felt released. If you keep suppressing yourself you’re going to break. Find a place to release, whether online or with a close friend. There are always options, go out and explore them all because the world is bigger than you know and can see.
I’m 35, this is why I said that it’s too late. “Just do it” doesn’t work when your personality has been shaped in a certain way.
But thanks for the encouragement.
I still have the right to give up though.
I’m 30, so what i’m 5 years younger, we’re from the same generation. It’s never too late. Don’t think about how long you’ve lived but think about how much more time you’ve got left, 35 is a small number in comparison to 90. Don’t let your age define you. Age isn’t defined by the body but the mind and heart. Youth isn’t defined by the vigor of our body but the vigor of our soul. If I can change, you can too, you just need time to detach from the world and reattach with yourself. Start by stop watching the news because the news are always fill with useless bad news meant to fill you with needless fear. Surround your space with positivity and get rid of negative peoples in your life.
Bluerose, please don’t shutup. Speak, and speak your mind and heart, in whatever way you can, if you can.
I get what you’re saying and I believe everyone else commenting does. I have a hard time getting stuff out also, even here, behind the curtain of anonymity, but it’s becoming easier, albeit slowly.
Don’t shut up, this is YOUR post, speak YOUR mind. And now, I’ll shutup! 😉 🙂
Thanks, you don’t need to shut up either
I don’t know why I want to change the world.. Maybe it’s just a delusion. That I’m should be doing something. A rather narcissistic delusion. But I can’t shake it off. I wish I was like those who don’t give a fuck, who just want a good job in some corporation or whatever.. I wish I would be normal. But I’m not.
Still, I believe the world needs more sensitivity in it and more acceptance for diversity, I’m just too tired to continue fighting.
I hear you. It’s frustrating and maddening that things in this world are the way they are. Insanity and callousness around every corner, on every channel. You can make a difference, you will and probably already have made a million differences without even realizing it – I doubt this need to change the world just cropped up today. It’s probably been growing for years now, and every single act of kindness you have performed has affected one person, even if for just the briefest of moments – but, never forget – each person on this planet is their own self contained universe, a world unto themselves, so what you do in kindness to one person affects an entire world, so to speak.
Keep changing worlds, one at a time. Someone earlier mentioned the ripple effect, or domino effect, and yeah, that’s it exactly. You help one, who helps one, who helps one, and at some point, while the madmen in charge continue their heartless charade of businesslike insanity, your single action has created a wave of similar actions that does not stop.
I wonder if you’re too tired to continue fighting, or just maybe disillusioned at the fact that this world doesn’t seem to be noticing your hard work? Something tells me you CAN’T stop fighting, but that you need a little emotional Gatorade to help you recharge.
One day, the nimtwits in charge of the government’s and corporations will ruin things for the rest of us, and will need to rely on the kindness of others, and the wave you helped set in motion will help save their sorry asses, when drowning them would be a better option, in my opinion.
Thank you for this. It’s just that sometimes (very often) I still feel like that little girl nobody wanted to play with. So then I don’t want to be the outsider anymore, I want to not give a fuck and be part of the mainstream game because I’ve never been allowed to do that. And yes, I’ve been telling myself that I want to be the outsider, but maybe it was a lie I’ve been telling myself…to accept what is…or I’ve become my own lie…I don’t know.
I really think I’m losing my mind (not only now when I’m under the effect of certain substances – nothing dangerous..)
You want to change the world to make it easier for yourself to fit in. It’s a fantasy we all have and it’s a nightmare when politicians actually peruse it, that’s why we have wars.
“Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in, you’ll disappear”
I was there, I wanted to be “normal” but it took me a long time to realized that I’m awesome even with all my flaws. I have ADHD and OCD, I’m socially awkward and I embarrassed myself more than I can remember and I’ve actually been a shut in attempting suicide multiple times because I was so fed up with this EXTROVERTED world built by extroverts and their shallow values decorating their empty shells with money they earn at a job they hate at some corporation because they’re too scared to pursue their passion as a artist or whatever. You don’t want to be like that.. trust me, it’s a sad existence.
What you probably have is social anxiety and low self-esteem, I was exactly like that too… until the day I got so fed up and angry with myself that I really did start not giving a shit. I started blocking everyone out of my life and spent a lot of time with myself, to get to know my strengths and my flaws, immersed myself in my hobbies. I even immersed myself in games trying to live a fantasy life in some game world because I hated my reality so much, and that’s how so many gamers get addicted. I learned that the problem was the world because the world always has problems, the real problem with my dissatisfaction was with myself. Stop bullying yourself and forgive yourself for your flaws because we all have them, some people are just better at hiding it. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself, so treat yourself with respect and realize that there are always room for improvement. Your personality is ingrained but that doesn’t mean it can’t be improved because change takes time. I used to be so stubborn and unable to take other people’s advice because I was too busy hearing myself and my negativity, closed my mind and heart and all I did was opened my mouth but it took time to make me realize that I was sabotaging myself and I changed because I understood what made me stubborn. People hate what they don’t understand that’s why there’s so much hate in this world and that’s why you hate yourself, you don’t understand yourself and all your flaws; there are positive sides to those flaws and you need to see them. Flaws are what makes us an individual. Make time to connect with yourself.
Realize that it’s not just you that’s flawed, it’s the world. You are in fact surrounded by assholes, stop listening to them, including the asshole in your head.
okay, no comment to this right now, thanks for sharing your experience.
But you are right though, with many things you’ve said. It’s just that maybe it’s too much now for me, to digest.
Maybe I do want to change the world into something I could fit in. In the same time I’m not the only one who realised that vulnerability is the element that really connects us. It’s not only my wish.
People are impatient when they’re hurting but wounds needs time to heal. Don’t rush because the more you rush the more it hurts. Thing I’ve said probably won’t resonate with you now but in time they’ll make sense. There’s so much more to learn in this world, with every pain, mistake, tragedy, and life’s challenges with all it’s imperfection, there’s a lesson ready to turn into insight and wisdom and those wisdom ready to make sense of the chaotic world we live in. Take your time.
I’ve always been the “good girl”. With the perfect parents. How could I have had any isses? It’s impossible. So then I just concluded that I there was something wrong with me for feeling powerless and unhappy most of the time. So imperfect in this perfect family. I was flawed, this is how I felt since I’ve been small, but of course I couldn’t talk about this to anyone. I had to be ashamed of who I was…had to be ashamed of being bullied in school and kindergarten…couldn’t tell anyone. But it made sense then, I just silently knew that there is something wrong with me.
Now I want to accept myself. I’ve started and I thought it’s going well. But it’s not. I don’t like myself, I think. I’ve always wanted to be someone else.
Just rambling…sorry (also my head is not very clear bur it’s in a state where everything wants to come out…)
I need to be able to express negative emotions. Whenever I feel them. Why was I never allowed? Why did I always have to pretend?
Good question, right? When you’re expected to be something you’re not and told that who and what you are is irrelevant, it’s no wonder you (me, I, we, us) become confused. Because you had to ACT. Because the guilt of failing to be able to be what they wanted you to be was (IS STILL) eating away at you, while the authentic Bluerosewhy is now raging and screaming to be set free from her prison. What’s going on is confusing, but also very beneficial – you, YOU, are finding your way through the sewer of lies and guilt imposed upon you as a child for failing to meet other people’s expectations – and whose fault is it when we don’t live up to the standards of others? Exactly. THEIRS.
Mama blue whales don’t get angry at their offspring for not burying enough nuts for the winter, because they expect squirrels to do that. (Really? Whale/squirrel references?? Huh?) Expectations are dangerous, especially when improperly placed on us, on YOU, as a child.
You are in there, Blue. You are in there and you can change the world, just not all of it at once. Your issues are as valid as mine, as anyones. They are yours, and you are going to have to fight through them, despite being made to feel that you shouldn’t have them. We all have them. That powerless, unhappiness you feel is a sign that something isn’t in balance, that the real, genuine person you are was stifled by seemingly perfect, yet obviously imperfect and flawed human parents who just expected too much from you.
I just wanted imperfect human parents with whom you could talk about pain and emotions without feeling guilty and ashamed.
Maybe ones that would show their own human imperfect emotions not hide them behind the curtain of perfection.
My childhood friends still think my parents were so perfect and amazing. Everyone thinks that. I literally feel that I’m losing my mind because if everyone thinks that it must be true. Even their own act shows it’s true. This is messed up. This is messing with my mind.
Truth is, your parents are “imperfect human parents” they’re just good at hiding it, like mine. Parents are people too, like you, and they think their kids expects them to be perfect so they try to be. Some people are two-faced, they have a face at home and a face for society, like my parents; they make everyone believe they are perfect parents who did everything right but in reality they are abusive and no one can see that and probably won’t believe me if i told them. You being like this is because your parents were suppressing you and that’s emotional abuse. A good parents would’ve sat down and talked to you heart to heart and have your complete trust but because they never did that, there is no trust between you and your parents and that’s why it’s eating you up inside. If your parents are the source of your breakdown then maybe you should go talk to them and tell them everything you’ve ever thought?
Yes, my parents were not perfect. Sorry you could relate.
In the same time, they were there for me, in a way. Maybe not the healthy way, haha.
Imagine talking to your parents about a sexual encounter you’ve had, with all the details. This is how it would feel in my case to talk about emotions with my parents. And this is just one aspect of it. There is also fear. Shame, fear. Nice combo. Of course, I might have to try somehow. But I don’t want to right now. I’m exhausted.
Timing is everything, you’ll know when you’re ready. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Just one question. Why am I not allowed to die? At least I need to know that I have the possibility to just end it.
I am afraid that “Thanks, I’m okay” is really “I’m not okay but you all want to fix me so I’ll have to pretend I’m okay”.
It’s like everyone wants me to get up and fight and I just want people to validate my pain. But people don’t want to validate my pain, they want me to get over it. All my freaking life. My perfect life, where I’m not allowed to break down.
No one’s life is perfect, even the rich, and your pains are valid and only you can validate them because you are validating them. We all have our limits. You don’t have to pretend you’re okay because you’re not. I’m not okay too but I’m still fighting. We’re trying to encourage you and help you lift your mood but the only one who can really help you is yourself because we’re all just voices trying to reach you, it’s up to you if you want to listen or not. No one truly can get over their pain, all we can do is cope and we’re all trying. I’m so sorry if you just want us to tell you what you want to hear but whatever is it you want to hear, you’re already saying it yourself, you don’t need anyone’s validation for it to be true. Reality and truth is in the eyes of the beholder.
Thank you for trying to encourage me. I still have the need for validation, maybe it’s not what I *should* have in an ideal world but I do need it.
Yeah I get that too. I googled things to get validations, you’re here for the same. Sometimes those google results lead me to some truths instead and it’s very insightful. If the source of your pain is your parents then I can so relate.
“Why was I never allowed? Why did I always have to pretend?”
There’s got to be someone smarter than me to answer that important of a question, but the reality today, in 2017, is that you ARE allowed, and you DON’T have to pretend any longer, and somewhere deep inside, you are struggling with that still. This world you want to change is as much your world as it is/was your parents, and you are as entitled to it as they are. And that ain’t squirrel food. Or maybe I’m nuts. Or a whale. 😉
I’m nuts too (or a whale?) so you’re in good company.
Wow. So sorry. See I should shut up.
I hear you, Bluerose, and I understand your pain, I’ve been through similar stuff, and if I’m blathering on in an attempt to fix you, I’m so sorry.
Bluerose, you have a right to your life, and.if that means death, you won’t find too many here who object, but many who would be saddened.
I am so damn sorry if I came across as invalidating your pain. I didn’t mean to. I know you hurt, and that it must be a tremendous pain. If there was something I could do, you know. . .
Being made to feel like you have to act and be someone you’re not. . . I get it. It’s misery, stifling to the point of seeking death.
You have every right to freely choose your method of dealing with what’s been done to you, and again, I sincerely apologize.
I didn’t mean it like that, you were not invalidating my feelings.
I’m just very sensitive to that…because it happens a lot, and because I’ve learned that others’ pain is valid, mine is not.
I didn’t want to scare you away, sorry about that.
I appreciate your inputs, thank you for that. *hugs*
Ok, Bluerose. Hugs back at you! I hope the rest of your day/night is a good one.
Hey blue rose, hi, i actually see brokenshell has said some wise words…and i appreciate that, but he sounds too confident and i dont like that. Too much confidence is arrogance.
Im here for u blue, say whatever u want, ill defend u. Roarrrrrrrrrrr
I’m not confident. I speak from experience. And i’m not a “he”.
Wow, alright miss. Did u learn them the hard way?
Yup. I got some advices when I was in OP’s position in the past but at that time I’d ignore them but when I felt better, I’d come back to look again and took those advices. I’m just here to pass on the baton. Some knowledge can light the way for pain, it make sense of things.
Yup, u sound wise. But i still feel u r too confident. No argues.
I’m sorry if what you think of me offends you.
You have awesome knowledge, i learn from u. But u show off a little.
Wow, u always pretended to be okay, and u were not? I feel u r getting out of your shell. Calm down and be patient.
Because this is how I’ve learned to function. Probably. I’m afraid people will reject me.
Thanks for trying to help but please don’t tell me to calm down.
It’s like “why do you pretend to be calm?” and then “calm down”
🙂
You seem to be a nice person though.