But I don’t want to live either. I’m stuck somewhere between in limbo, trying to escape every moment that I can and hoping that everything will rush away from me so I can finally be alone. I hope I die today. And today isn’t much different than most days. I rode my bike to the beach yesterday, it was nice. I wasn’t as tired as I thought I’d be so I guess I’m in better shape than I thought. I’ve been trying to work out and whatnot. I’ve been trying to be good to myself. But I can’t seem to shake this feeling. And I tell myself time changes all things including feelings but I also know that I keep coming back to it and that death is like punctuation in my mind.
I try to relax and remember that things will soon be different. I’m doing things, so many things. I am making changes. I am getting ahead. I always feel so close to being happy. I change my life when things become unbearable. I really am a Sagittarius. But everything is a mess. My love, my friendships, my work. It’s all one big knot in my throat and I am choking. More like gagging because I’m just dying slowly with a lot of discomfort. But I should be comfortable because I am so lucky and I can do all of the things that I want to do. I really can.
I want to scribble down please kill me. please kill me. please kill me. I’m just not sure of anything. I need to continue to struggle.