I know this isnt what we talk about but….

Have you ever loved two people at once? What even is love? Am i just depressed? is that why whoever makes me smile at the moment is who i want? Ive been with my girlfriend for a year and a half, and i don’t know if i feel the way i used to waking up in the morning. We still have fun the way we used to. We still laugh, we still have amazing sex. But then sometimes i wonder if she is just amazing sex that i was infatuated with. Can i build a life with her. Can i marry her? I am a lesbian. I like women. Penises disturb me and i cant imagine voluntarily handling one. However, on the other end of this is him. This boy who’s been around for years and makes everything but him disappear for a while. He’s an ass, and i don’t believe we’d ever last. but goddamn do i want him sometimes. like.. in the simplest of ways. not just sex. i want him to lie and say he loves me and hold my hand and try a little (no im not cheating on her, technically. I havent done anything but let him put his arm around me in the theater.) Even though she already does that. and when she does my world stops. I’d give her anything she ever wanted i swear. Id do anything to make her happy. Id do anything for her. I dont know why giving him up isnt included in anything. I dont know. Im going to go home to Iowa and her and i are going to move into our apartment and most likely live out our days together having great sex a couple kids and a couple affairs, well maybe not affairs maybe “open” periods. and one day im going to say goodbye to him and that will be that unfortunately. If you want me to be totally honest i dont know what i want okay? But i know whats going to happen. And im mostly okay with that. I just want one kiss from him before its over.