I’ve had a rough week in a rough month that has rounded out a rough 2 years. The woman i’ve loved for 9 years and dated for 8 is getting married to her boss that she left me for in a couple of days and I’m not sure how to cope. I’ve written my notes, but I don’t know if I have the balls to follow through. Any advice would be appreciated.
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I think you have to separate the ideal of her you have in your head from the actual person. She left you, so she is obviously not THAT great for you.
You have invested a lot in her, but you had a life before her, and you can have a life after her.
That is good advice but I’m not sure that is possible. And I didn’t really have a life before her. Before her I got my first serious girlfriend pregnant and we gave him up for adoption then 7 months to her. I dunno man, I appreciate the positivity but I’m not sure what to do with it.
And I love her all the same. All intellectualizing aside, that is an incontrovertible fact. One difficult to reconcile with reality.
Years ago, I was in a relationship with an amazing woman unlike any person I had ever met. But I had some doubts, so I broke up with her, naïvely hoping we could still be friends. After a while, she requested no contact. I haven’t spoken with her since. I sometimes wonder if she was “the love of my life”.
At first I was just grieving, and I’m not sure how I got through that time. Later, I decided to just wish the best for her and be grateful that I got to know her. Later again, I admitted to myself that the relationship was not perfect, that I myself was quite conflicted, and that even if she had given me a second chance, I might have still been unsure about the relationship.
Anyway, it can take a long, long time, but gradually dayly life will crowd out the pain. You will still have a soft spot for that person (at least I have), and it won’t go away, but in a way, that is what we sign up for when we love, and the thing to do is to dare sign up for it again.
I wish I had something to tell you that you could relate to.
This has happened to 2 men that I know personally and they had children with their wives too. I one case, the child was abandoned, in the other they were used as bargaining chips to extract money from the father.
At the end of the day, you make your own choices. If / When I decide to end my life, I want to do it because I’ve decided that there is nothing worthwhile to do; I do not want to do it because because somebody wronged me / left me.
The rest is up to you. It’s your own journey.
I’m right there. Just don’t know how to go about it. Fortunately, I live in Alabama which will basically give a gun to anyone with virtually 0 notice. I think I’m nearly there again. I don’t see it getting any better, so here we are.
Should’ve clarified. Not sure how life gets better from here and this is merely a crystallizing moment.
I have a question for you, or for anyone who’s been cheated on or dumped for someone else. Doesn’t that cancel out any love you feel? I’ve never been cheated on (my relationships fail for other reasons), but I always felt if someone cheated on me it would flip a switch instantly, like realizing the person is not the same as the idealized image you fell in love with. I’ve flipped that switch before (again, not for cheating but for other reasons) so I’ve never pined for love lost that way. I completely see how the sudden emptiness in your life would make you want to kill yourself though. And maybe that’s the real reason why you feel so low – not because you’re missing her but because you feel abandoned and alone. If that’s the case, pull up a stool and pour yourself some hemlock because you’ve got company here.
People are horrible. Justice does not exist. Redemption from pain must be earned.
You are right justice in it’s purest form does not exist; at least not here…. me, I was in a very similar situation as the OP…. I am so sorry and I feel you man….. life is a ***** and nothing gets better at least from my perspective.
“Should’ve clarified. Not sure how life gets better from here and this is merely a crystallizing moment.”
If you’re sure and want to find out, maybe it’s a path you could explore. I don’t have the answers. Like a lot of people, I just do the best I can with what I have.
From what I see though, you haven’t lived much on your own. You went from one relationship to another so, when that is taken away, you seem to be left with nothing. Maybe try to live for yourself for a while.
Fall in love with something else…. a hobby, a book, helping children…. I dunno! That sucks that she did that to you…. but.. you can get past it, no woman should hold control over your emotions. The best part is there are so many other women. You don’t even have to be romantically involved…. you can just gawk at them walking down the road…. smile at them in grocery stores…. exchange quick banter with them wherever you are. Single life is cool.