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I’m Not Good With Titles

by AnonymousCK

The stories about suicide attampts vary. There are some who instantly regret it and others who realize there was no regret. The latter often try again, I am apart of the latter.
I do understand the most do not succeed on a first attempt; but, I’d like to think that my chances would have increased by the 15th. However, I still try, try, try again hoping for a different result. Honestly, I don’t really remember how many times it has been now.

….

Yet, to me none of that matters. Eventually one day I’ll get it right. You’d think after all these attempts someone would care to say something. What hurts me the most isn’t that I have no interest in life, it’s that my mom knows and has never tried to stop me. She has never even tried to talk to me about it. Yet, she puts all her problems on me. The other day she yelled at me for gaining weight. She said “you’re a good for nothing who won’t do anything with their life and got fat. You don’t deserve fitting clothes. Just fix you’re life and work it off”. Oh and obviously she means by myself as she has no interest in whether I live or die. The funny thing is most of you may think she is a shitty mom but to anyone who knows her calls her “the best mom“, “supermom“, and “the most supportive person and advisor“. I’m not sure why she is such a nicer person in public versus behind closed doors. Although I guess that sounds pretty easy and typical.

My mom did always call me a hypochondriac. Guess that’s just what she thinks my suicide attempts are “fake“.

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3 comments

heartlessviking 6/2/2017 - 12:24 am

It sounds like that relationship is toxic. I have had my own run around with my mother who the other day told me “Thank God you don’t live with us.” Now what kind of thing is that for a mother to say I ask you?

So that can be moms for you. Some days toxic, every now and then sweet and supportive. It would appear these two attitudes are in opposition to each other. On the other hand I think raising kids is hard, and doing it right is hard. I would say there is no training for it. That isn’t true, because I’ve had it. It’s called developmental psychology.

All that is beside the point. I can understand the drive to succeed in your attempt. I also noticed there is a sort of drive to succeed in a goal. Even though it is directed in a way that is not approved of by society, it shows perseverance. You may find it takes less work to dig out (not necessarily the way you have been told to) than to take a full exit. Death is hard. It’s hard to stomach, and it is even harder to achieve alone.
So this is my way of trying to make you feel less alone. I don’t know the result, I just know less alone is less pain.

midian monster 6/2/2017 - 6:46 am

Some people are so fucking fake it takes the piss.
I’ve met people like your mum in my life. The ‘public’ face where they want people to like them and think ‘yeah she’s a great person’ and the private version they show to the people who they are, when not trying to impress.
Why the fuck are they like that?
I’m sure someone out here could give you the psychological reasoning behind it.
As for giving you grief for gaining weight, well she could give you support in a lot better way than that.
Shouting at you is the most counter productive way to achieve any goal. when anyone starts shouting at me to do something, well my anger automatically makes me switch off to anything they say, even if it’s good advice.

SweetQuietus 6/2/2017 - 11:25 am

Regarding toxic relationships: It is perfectly acceptable to rid yourself of them if possible, insulate yourself if not. It is damned near impossible to build your self/life up if there is someone tearing it down.
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders in that you recognize that the toxicity is unfounded and inappropriate. Perhaps that takes some of the sting out of it.
If you are old enough, contemplate severing that tie. If not, contemplate other options to live (with another relative). Maybe talk to your counselor at school.
You needn’t be someone’s punching bag. Not everyone is cut out for parenthood. It’s not you.

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