Lately when I visit the grocery store I have been spending money on scratch off lottery tickets. Never an earth shattering amount is put on the line, 20 bucks here and there…sometimes I win a little or break even, generally I lose because that’s how life goes for me. Something recently has been drawing and influencing me to participate in the purchase of these tickets and I didn’t understand why until recently when I came upon a realization.
I can freely and openly admit that I’ve always been disappointed in my life and not once have I ever been truly happy. Sounds pessimistic and overly dramatic, but it’s the honest truth. I’m usually burdened and plagued by overwhelming feelings of guilt, inadequacy and negativity. However there was one thing that kept me holding on for all of these years and made me feel emotions that were much more of a positive nature.
Hope. All along it was just a tiny shred of hope, maybe even a false sense of it. Growing up and being awkward and tormented, living a sad existence in which I was never gratified with anything I’ve truly wanted, I have always had hope. At earlier ages I would hope that I would grow older and out of my sexually unappealing body. I would hope to meet beautiful women, or at least women which I found aesthetically pleasing. I would hope for a place of my own, for a feeling of self worth; to not feel like the cowardly beta male any longer and to leave it behind me.
Now as every day is a twisting blade, I see that if I don’t end my pathetic life soon in six months I will be 30! Thirty. 3-0. Three fucking decades old. I don’t know what made me ponder over this, as usually I believe people feel old on their actual birthday.
Point is, I spent the majority of my life wishing for things that will more than likely never become a reality for me. I pined and prayed for my hopes and dreams and was cruelly deprived of them. I began life from a very disadvantaged state, but just that small chance that something, ANYTHING would turn out for the good kept me alive. Now that the age of thirty is breathing down my throat, I feel like it’s all over. I will never have that fun, socially accepting age in my 20’s. I will never experience the simple sexual pleasures in life, or fulfill any of my sexual desires because I will never be young and attractive. Hell, I will probably never even experience financial adequacy.
I’ve lived under the false concept that “things will get better”. Maybe they do for some people. Some people who aren’t me. When I scratch those tickets off, I have the same youthful feeling as I did back then. I know that things more than likely won’t be beneficial to me or work out in my favor, but a one in 2.5 million shot is better than no chance at all for me.
4 comments
Just breathe… Age is just a number and your talent at writing your truth is BeYOUtiful… Keep writing and just know you can’t win if you don’t play… So play wisely! Great read brother… ?
Thank you my friend
First off, your perception of the world is biased. I know, because I struggle with it myself. You should look into cognitive behavioral therapy. Basically, you see the world through crap-tinted glasses.
Second, I used to be a clerk in 7-Eleven. You lament having little luck with your scratch-off lottery tickets. Guess what: 99% of people can relate. Because the deck is stacked that way. How do you think they make their money?
I actually commented on one of your posts a while back. I gave you a long list of selected resources for knowledge on how to improve your life and your luck with women. It wasn’t for fun. It’s because I have trawled through countless self-help books and websites, and I have kind of culled it down to what I think is not total garbage.
You owe it to yourself to take a look. Because you complain about being unattractive, turning thirty (I’m 33), and being out of luck with women. But no one cares. They’re living their own lives. They have their own worries. But you can actually change your luck. It’s not easy, but it’s certainly possible.
thematinggrounds.com/
overcoming.co.uk/single.htm?ipg=4795
self-compassion.org
Those are three different links, by the way.