Everything is colorless and void of anything. I have the little cares to avoid annoying things as to not stupidly disrupt my minutes, hours and days of being dragged forward unrelenting on the ground by time, but overall I think I can say I don’t really care about myself or anything like that, especially not the future, or of things getting better. I genuinely would want to live; if I were in a position where I didn’t want to constantly kill myself.
I went 9.5 days having barely eaten a thing. I ate last night and feel disgusted at that, but I suppose all is not lost in eating fully one time in those near 10 days. I don’t know what I wish to acomplish by starving myself, but winging it has always been my thing. I just don’t really want to eat, but I’m not naive enough to think starving will bring me to my death.
More than anything I feel trapped with little way out, and anxiety just makes it worse, especially around the wrong people and at work. I am simply existing, and not sure how to go about ceasing to exist. Of 4 attempts, only one was serious enough and still not enough. Haven’t tried in awhile, since october, but oh hell I want to. Just don’t know what. (Don’t give me suggestions, not interested.)
I recovered for awhile mostly (mid jan – early april), even stopped cutting, but of course that couldn’t last for unknown reasons….. been slashing the hell out of my wrist. My…self-destructive tendencies have risen anew. Tried to stay away from that, but after about 17 days of horrible anxiety and mental despair/torture/games, I threw away almost 3 months of no self harm and started again. I really don’t want to carve my wrist up, but I also do. Really don’t wanna live like this anymore. Tired. And done…very done.
This isn’t living. It’s a few things, but it’s not living.
Haven’t posted in awhile. Just felt like it for some reason. Hmm….. see you around.
1 comment
I hear you and I’m realt sorry you’re going through this pain.
*Hugs*