The only thing I’m scared about the most is being on my own…
You know what is feels like to desperately want back your will to live? To want your happiness and your life back? And to know that it’s near enough impossible to get it back because of what you did? That it’s because of you that you’re hurting like this, no longer able to get out of bed or smile for once in your life?
I’ve come back to the very start. Back to lying in bed all day long. Returning to the laptop, not to do anything productive, but to numb my mind. I lose track of all concentration. My vision blurs. Darkness grows around my eyes. I’m too frightened to look at myself in the mirror, no more than a glance. My reflection looks awful. No smiles, pale flesh, rotting teeth, messy hair, greasy flesh, wounded lip from biting too hard.
I see myself as nothing special, but maybe this is just to deal with the pain? I guess right now I’m punishing myself again. Whether that’s not going outside. Stopping my meds. Drinking. Cutting. Staying up all night. And isolating myself from the family for days on end – there’s no telling when I’ll ever be sat in the same room as the family.
I’m rejecting my friends invites to go out. Nobody talks to me on Facebook because I’m beginning to isolate them, too. I’m scared that if I dare go back into the “real world” nobody would be there to catch me as I fall. That I’m truly going to be left to fend for myself… so sometimes it’s just better to lay in bed all day, staring at the screen until it eats me up, until I lose trace of myself. The other day I laid in bed for so long I had to pop a couple pain relief pills as my back throbbed. My back still hurts, I’m not doing it any justice, my neck is in a crooked position, I’m sweating underneath all these blankets and my throats feels dry.
I guess the only reason why I post to here so frequently is because at times like these, you all make me feel less alone. And when I sit here knowing that I’m invading this space with my own post, about the same old things, and not being able to do anything in return as I’m too powerless. I have no energy, and all I can ever do is listen. Which doesn’t bring much to anyone if they can’t tell I’m there watching over them.
The amount of times I get tempted to leave this place… I just don’t want to be alone…
I’m 18 and I’m scared of wasting my adulthood… I’ve wasted most of my teenagehood… my childhood..? I can’t remember much about it…
4 comments
I feel your pain and need to be detached. Believe me I am trying to rejoin my world but I feel nobody wants me, but then again that’s probably all in my head as usual. You remind me so much of myself, especially your young age. Don’t worry you are never alone.
I’m just losing my sanity.
I just want to fucking curl up. I just want a hug.
((Also, sorry about the swearing. It’s the only way to express myself through the emptiness of text)).
Too bad I couldn’t kill myself…