I put on a brave face and smile for everyone but the perfect outer image I’ve created for myself is starting to crack. I’m losing my temper more often, and on people who don’t deserve it. I’m constantly having nightmares again so now I’m taking extra time to cover up the bags under my eyes. It seems like even driving down a busy road is enough to give me a panic attack. Im trying so hard to keep it all together, mostly because I can’t afford even a small amount of time away from work, despite intrusive thoughts. Most of my nightmares are about death and how better the world would be if I wasn’t around. I know that these thoughts aren’t normal, I’ve dealt with ptsd for the past few years didn’t think I’d be dealing with intrusive thoughts at this point. I think the worst part is the relief these thoughts provide, even if it’s brief, these thoughts give me a sense of relief. And I think that’s the scary part of it all. Like I don’t want that, I know I don’t, but it’s not like I invited these thoughts in you know? They just started happening all over again, normally I’m fairly numb and I don’t feel much of anything if nothing at all. So when these thoughts started happening, it’s like I could feel something again. Even if the feelings are negative it’s better than nothing. I hate that I’m like this, incapable of being happy, I always feel like there is no way out, like I’m trapped inside my own head.
3 comments
Being alone in one’s head is the worst kind of torture sometimes. I wish you relief, which likely won’t come from the level of the mind, no matter how tempting/deceptive the thoughts. Keep writing, talking about it and/or move your body in some way if you can. It can help bring some space / breathing room into nightmare.
I wish I had dreams about dying that would be sick
Username123
It aint that good mate. Although i haven’t been what labtech’s been through, i have nightmares almost every night. I wake myself up screaming “help” sometimes.
Then you lie there afraid to go back to sleep, cause you know if you do, you can guarantee you’ll go straight back into another nightmare.
Me, i have to break my sleep up after i wake up, i have to wait till the tiredness goes, before i can try again.
This, night after night would do your head in mate.
I feel for labtech big time, wish i could help in some way.