Just Venting

  June 30th, 2017 by thehusk

I’m tired of trying to hold together all these contradictory thoughts and impulses. Of seeing other people happy, with hope & purpose, when that’s beyond me. Of regret, & living in idealised memories of the past, or fantastical versions of the future.

I’m tired of the way I perceive the world, and see humans as a species.

I’m tired of the guilt, shame, & fear. Of knowing that nothing can make it ok.

I’m tired of wanting. So many competing things, many of them impossible.

I’m tired of being alone with all this going round and around my head.

I should die, and yet I shouldn’t. I’m a monster, yet I also have a conscience. Life is futile and horrific, yet also wonderful and alluring. I should seek help, yet I’m beyond help.

How do you function, when the different aspects of yourself are so far apart?

I suppose the answer is: not very effectively. There’s no peace of mind. Just constant anxiety, swinging back and forwards.

Still, it’s not like I deserve peace of mind. I’ve more than earned a guilty conscience and internal strife. So I guess I’ll just keep on stumbling along, numbing the pain that I cause myself, until eventually things fall apart.

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