My life makes no sense anymore. I do not have the will to go on like this anymore. I had 2 panic attacks the last days and started crying again and being depressed since my boyfriend left yesterday. I had suppressed my feelings when he was there and we had a good time. Until I told him about my abuse. Panic attack followed. I dont know what to do with my life, I lost my passion to dance completely. I used to love dancing but now I dont feel like doing it ever again. My goal was to be a professional dancer, but now I aim to become nothing. I only think about how I could kill myself. Everything I am is meaningless, I dont like doing arts anymore or my job I was learning. I dont want to see friends cause they dont understand. And I hate people telling me everything is going to be fine, cause thats not the case. When I was in hospital again, an important part of me died. I have no one to talk about my real feelings, like about being suicidal and my nightmares of being raped, forced to do things I dont want to, chased and experiencing violence and death. I feel lonely cause no one understands me, especially not my trauma of loosing everything I had as a child cause my mom fled with me and my brother from my father, who wouldnt care at all about me, from one country to another. No one understands that I have been searching a place I can call home. I dont feel at home where I live right now. And I hate all my stuff and want to sell it, cause I know I dont want to wear these clothes or read these books anymore. I just want to become a different person. Just right now, everything is so meaningless and I want to run away, but I cant because of the medication I get. I was forced to take them and ever since I am afraid to say I dont want this anymore. The doctor said either you sign to take the medication or we wont let you go home. I am afraid of the doctors. Am afraid in general. And I have nothing to live for. I think my boyfriend will get along quite good without me, like everyone else. God I am so empty. Can I just die please?
1 comment
So sorry for what you’re going through but you don’t have to be lonely: There are so many men and women on this forum who know and understand what you’re experiencing and we’re here to support you when you need it most.
You’re going through a really bad patch right now which has made you feel worse but it will pass, it really will.