No one knows you
June 18th, 2017by arachnophilia
I have the ability to make myself an island. When I am an island I am apart from others, and their approval, their rejections, their problems and emotions have no bearing on me. I am keenly aware that no one really knows me, just as I don’t know anyone. No person can know another. When others think they know me, it’s really only a creative interpretation of fragmented evidence–actions they’ve seen me do, words I’ve said, which aren’t even a fraction of my lived experience. Even when I try to know myself, I fall short. My memory is limited, my attempts to describe myself biased, inadequate, contradictory.
Being an island makes me tough. When I succeed in my emotional isolation, I can withstand what people say and do, not just to me, but to others. I can stand unmoved in times of joy and tragedy. I can act when fear might otherwise paralyze me. I worry plenty that my boundaries are too rigid, that I’m missing out on the chance to connect deeper with others. Is that even possible? If it is, could it be a good thing? But there is one thing I’m proud of, when I’m an island and far away from regret or longing. It’s the knowledge that no one can tell me who I am, and I will never believe those who try. I will not be manipulated, I will not be brainwashed, I will not fall to pieces because of what’s happening around me. No one knows me.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 22:49:38
This post intrigues me. Self-exile from all others, physically/emotionally, wouldn’t life become unbearably pointless? What motivates you to get out of bed and do anything, if all interactions are meaningless? It sounds almost like existing in a video game.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:04:42
isn’t life already pointless though?
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:15:04
Without a doubt 🙁 But brief interactions with others can fool us into thinking we’re part of a bigger purpose. I imagine if you put up walls between yourself and others, you’re left with only yourself for company. And for me that never goes well.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:12:51
‘Existing in a video game’ is a pretty good description. It’s not a state I feel all of the time, or at any rate it’s more intense at some times than others. It’s like choosing not to care, or voluntary dissociation. I wouldn’t say that life is pointless when you remove the ability to be affected by the attitudes of others, though. People spend plenty of time immersed in video games, right? There are things I want for my own sake, goals that I am motivated to pursue. It’s just that, for example, if I want to help people, it won’t make a difference if they love me or not for it.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:20:06
Oh I get it now. That’s actually a great coping mechanism, as long as you can stay focused on your goal. It reminds me of the way soldiers have to desensitize themselves from humanity in order to do their job. If they stay focused on their mission it works. But if they falter and start to question wtf they’re doing, well… lots of suicides in the military. Didn’t mean for it to turn so bleak, I really do think it’s a useful coping mechanism and I hope it keeps you on track for the greater good 🙂
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:17:17
Or, well, strike that. Just because I want something and go after it doesn’t mean there’s really a ‘point’ to me being alive. But it does get me out of bed in the morning.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:19:31
Then what motivates you to get out of bed? What’s the point?
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:18:02
This is how I “live”. There really is no reason to get out of bed. I have to force myself to say “Hi” to certain family members, then I shut myself off in my room. I post on another forum and on social media. Other than that, I’m a “Nobody Girl”. No one knows me. I can’t wait to die already. Even though I’m not bothered by others much, I’m still constantly tortured by my own thoughts day and night. They want me dead and I think it’s almost time. Might invest in a drug that I know will actually kill me. This isn’t living, or’ merely existing. Much rather be dead.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:30:01
Perfect book for you to read, I read a book called “YOU DONT KNOW ME” young adult literature, I read it as a teenager. I remember enjoying it.
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Jun 18, 2017 @ 23:36:42
I need a new passport, and I realised that I had zero local references to use who were friends and weren’t family members. Ha. Sometimes being an island won’t get you where you want to be.
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Jun 19, 2017 @ 03:15:03
I’m an Island too.
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Jun 19, 2017 @ 04:48:30
Okay. You back yourself into a corner, cover your ears and close your eyes and then what? What do you do frozen in time? Heal your wounds and return? Leave yourself to die of lack of warmth?
Just saying.. ive been there word for word.
also, i lied to myself about this for a long time, people can see you and they can understand why you act the way you do even if you cant.
Only you know your truest inner self. but some things OTHER people are actually better than you at seeing.
think about it. even when you look down you can examine most of your body and even with eyes closed you can exist within your mind. But someone over there can see your whole person. And they aren’t biased by your mind,
you can try to fool yourself but people (not all, or even most) CAN see you and understnd you. you’re a human just like any other and your actions and intentions are not magically beyond the scope of normal human understanding.
just words from someone whos life improved dramatically when he left that island
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Jun 19, 2017 @ 05:04:43
sounds like mastering the art-form of detachment, but i could be wrong.
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