Often feel like crying when trying to eat…
Don’t exactly know why.
I’m alone since forever and going crazy in my head and I’m so sick if it.
Suicidal thoughts feel at home in my mind.
I need to shout but no one will hear me.
I’m in the glass jar, Sylvia Plath, Esther Greenwood, nothingness, existentialist nihilism, my therapist would like this and would not give a shit in the same time. “It’s your responsibility,” his motionless facial muscles would have this written all over them. Thanks, you’re right, I would say clearly, voicelessly, in my head, where all my life has been happening recently. With my head shoved with graceless precision on the top shelf of my oven.
Oh crap. It’s electric.
Thanks for nothing, Sylvia.
46 comments
People here always hear, they just not always give a shit to answer. Just shout as much as you want, we’re all fucked up, in the same boat and all that.
Plath, hm? Which poem is your favorite?
Thanks that means a lot to me. <3
I have to admit I've only read The Glass Jar. But now you made me curious, I'll check out some poems.
I found some liking in The Thin People and Black Rook in Rainy Weather, though I myself don’t know that many.
I’ve realised that it just hurts too much to read poems now. I have much crap I need to get out before I can take any more in.
So the shouting…and maybe some writing.
I’m an overstuffed trash can full of bleeding emotional scraps. Non-recyclable. Toxic, heavy, invisible.
Before I explode.
Pass the toxic shit to me, I have a good shitty bin only for it. Too bad one can’t just throw out their own trash, even if they can do it to other people’s.
Poetry can be heavy. In lighter mood you can read and write. In the dark pit, you just wait for nothing.
So, what’s on your mind, blue?
I’d feel guilty to spew my trash into others’ containers. But thanks really…
My throat hurts, my whole chest hurts but instead of going to the doctor I’ve been self medicating with alcohol. That should kill the bacteria, right? “Kills 99% of the bacteria”..
Cannot fall asleep before 5 am lately, waking up at about 11.
Thoughts racing, cannot express myself through this logic other people seem to thrive in. Logic is all but a pardigm. I assume a couple of hundred years ago or more no one would have expected rationality from me.
Also would have been possibly burned at the stake.
I know there is balance, it’s an achievable state, but I seem to enjoy chaos. Or the monsters inside?
Have been alone for a while, not talking to people. I think I’m really losing it. “How do you know when you’re losing it?” asks naively…
hey nwnb
I was thinking about you yesterday, i wondered / hoped you were ok. <3
I saw your thread the other week about past members here, i'm sorrry i never replied to it. Just wanted you to know mate that even if i don't comment, i still try to read most (your's and others) posts on here. like you i think of all the others i've met and wonder what happened to them.
brw – Hi! And sorry to hijack your poetry / anti poetry thread. If you want , feel free to shout and curse in my direction. I know you probably won't though. 🙂
Btw, notwhitenorblack, thanks for giving a shit, now, here.
Hi mid, how are you? I’ve been thinking about you actually, I remember last time you were saying that it’s been a very bad week for you.
I’m sort of happy to see you here *hugs*
If I propose taking your shit, I am able to do that. If I’m not, I’ll just go on my own way. Don’t worry about this fucked up mind of mine, blue.
Everything seems fucking complicating for you now. I’d ask you to go to the doctor but I don’t think you’re going to listen. Alcohol can also be a reason for the pain. Insomnic episodes can completely tarnish you. Keep tight there and sleep as much as you can whenever you can. Sleep deprivation will only make it worse. Try eating too if you have problems with it. At least one meal a day, got it?
Don’t worry mate, all of us here would be fucked up in a very painful way in the past times. Or ignored if something. We’re all crazy and lost, and broken but at least together. Once I read about a madman after a war that would collect broken things. Then he would connect these things together to create something new and whole – like a broken frame with a shaped coloured shard of glass. Maybe people can be repaired by other people, maybe not.
Good to dream anyway.
We all give a shit. We just pretend not to.
brw
Thanks for thinking of me mate. Last couple of weeks have not been good tbh. I’ve known for a few years that i have bpd. I was never diagnosed with it, but i have all the symptoms. I’ve been finding that the highs and lows are becoming more erratic / intense. I probably shouldn’t post when i’m in either state tbh.
Good to see you too as well brw.
Thanks for this reply, nwnb, it’s like a puzzle connecting to my puzzle.
You say we are together, sometimes I feel it but most times I feel like the forever outsider. In every group. Like there is always a thin foil separating me from the others.
I’m afraid to open up but I am very good at talking hours in roundabout ways.
There’s always a veil. It’s just talking, maybe we’ll both believe it one day.
Hey there MM, what’s up? Finishing work now, going home soon. I thought about you too, not enough familiar faces lately as I kept loosing ground under my feet. Got finally crazy, ya know?
How are you? How was the appointment with the doctor?
That’s okay, sometimes it’s too much to think, not to mention write anything. It’s good to see you again buddy.
MM, I want you to answer in every moment you feel like it. Diagnosis of passive schizophrenia or DID is coming to me, so without a lifeline I’ll just go down.
Look at me, being selfish all over again. Fuck me.
Or better not.
nwnb
Please don’t think like your being selfish in any way. Fuck, i still think about shit i’ve written ages ago on here. When someone responds to another person here, then i see my comment on a thread i think “wtf” i wrote that?….oh shit!
I just don’t know any more mate. I think sometimes i’ve got a grip on my own problems and then its like an invisible boxer just smacked me in the side of my head.
I know the feeling mate. Sometimes you just want to delete everything you were, did, wrote, created in this world. Wouldn’t disappearing forever without anyone to remember you be beautiful and poetic?
Don’t worry about your boxer, I’m sending my own to make him busy for a bit.
The doctors was unintentionally hilarious.
They diagnosed and treated me in under 4 minutes (that included writing a prescription by hand) They ignored what i had to say about my own concerns and before i knew it, i was walking back out through the waiting area lol (felt like the kids on the conveyor belt in floyds ‘another brick in the wall vid)
Thanks for thinking of me mate. I hope things pick up for ya.
I have less and less appreciation for doctors of any kind tsk tsk. A few days ago my colleague went to hospital because of tremendous pulling pain in all muscles in her body. They didn’t listen to her at all, said it’s anxiety and send her home.
Anxiety? Sweety, we know what’s anxiety. Fuck. You. She doesn’t have it.
Mid, I have BPD too. First time I’ve been told ten years ago I’ve decided it’s not true, and if I don’t accept having it, I will be okay. Basically I ended therapy by landing in a relationship and he “saved me”. I thougt all is well but wasn’t really, intrusive thoughts, depression, but he was there and I was merged with him.
Two years ago I lost it and ended it (it lasted 8+ years), still confused about the whole thing but I know I wasn’t happy.
Now I’m a mess, no idea who I am, self destructive patterns back, feeling unsafe and lost…Sometimes I feel so good, thinking I’m just making it all up. Than bam, back again.
Lately I need to express the pain, to make it visible even. But I have a therapist who would let me bleed in front of him rather than to show concern. Well, this is his method. Which tiggers me.
Okay, TMI. Sorry.
No, not tmi. Your perspective is helpfull. I never really understood it when i was younger, tbh, i thought that was how everyone felt.
It was actually one of my friends who pointed something out about me years ago that got me thinking. He jokingly called me ‘manic depressive’ i guess this was the old way of saying someone was bpd.
I’ve never been in a ltr, so i can’t really say what i would be like. Tbh, i don’t like being me or indeed would like to be around me when i’m down. Probably better for all concerned i keep it that way tbh.
Yes, but this is a vicious cycle. Isolating because thinking people would not want to be around you when you’re down, then being more down because of isolation.
At least this is how it works for me. Actually I’m doing itright now, a friend just asked if I wantnyo go out but it hurts to think I will go out and then drink myself to a state of “Yeah, I’d felt crap until now but your advices are really helpful and now I’m okay suddenly, thank you”.
I hate when people want to “fix me”. I have this thirst for being seen, with all the pain. Sick of pretending.
Maybe this is why I feel good in a weird way when I assume people can see the scrathes on my arm…though if it were to tell someone about my self harm I would feel ashamed.
Btw, when you said bpd you mean borderline, right? Not bipolar. Just to clarify.
I think i actually mean both brw.
Although i fit all the symtoms of Bipolar, i don’t think i fit this: ‘intense but unstable relationships with others’ in regards to borderline. But emotional instability, impulsive behaviour (got me in some shit, that has) and ‘disturbed patterns of thinking or perception’ – god yeah.
But like i say brw, this shit is all undiagnosed. I have never told a doctor (now will i)
I’ve got the same problem in regards to goinmg out. An old friend txt me a coupl!e of days ago asking me to go to theirs.
I haven’t even texted back. I can’t say yes because i won’t be able to sleep thinking about it and i’ll stress myself out. I can’t say no cause it will just dissapoint them and then i’ll be thinking about that and how i make ppl feel. Now i haven’t even texted, and i’m stressing over that, cause i know they deserve a response.
1 fucking text message has stressed me out.
Yeah, I get it with the message related stress. I do the same. Now I feel crap enough to be honest with my friend plus she knows about me feeling crap, so I’ve decided to tell her that I’d go out but I feel crap and probably won’t be on the best mood but would like to meet.
Honesty is therapeutic, just need to find a way to overcome the guilt that comes with it…
Though my friend is a bit condescending at times…Like I don’t know it’s “not okay” to do some stuff. She thinks she is helpful. Maybe she is in an “I’m ashamed now so won’t talk about it with you” way. Maybe shaming helps to stop doing self destructive stuff.
But I need someone to just listen and not judge. She says she’s not judging. Just “being a good friend” reminding me that “X is not *** for you”…..
Wow, above I wrote “X is not good for you”.
Why the censoring?
For these reasons you mention above brw, i have cut off other potential friendships, because it is way too tiring. I overthink everything to death. Even if they are being helpful or a hinderence.
As for the censorship here, i don’t know lol.
I noticed when i mention certain topics, it gets trashed. I thought it was because it was too unhappy / pessimistic. But i suspect other reasons.
Friendships and relationships are just too tiring for me. Somehow isolation makes me feel better, probably because I don’t have to wear masks all the time, just be, but also worse because people just don’t want to see and listen. People never care.
I want to show my pain, yet I’m ashamed if others see it too, blue. There’s also this thought of ‘Oh my, what a pitiful being you are, fucker’. All. the. fucking. time.
Then you’re fine and you’re guilty because those like you deserve to feel like shit and to feel pain. It’s numb, it’s fine, you just want to feel pain, not happiness, not relief – punish yourself, you just don’t deserve being well.
Summed up perfectly nwnb.
Some people (i know it’s not their fault) just don’t or can’t get it. Having that feeling multiple times a day…
I’ve tried only a couple of times explaining and it went down like this:
A nervous look and a rapid change of conversation.
A overly attentive / caring feeling. Which made me feel smothered. Which led me to feeling bad. I honestly wish i could attach a dial to my temple and fine tune like a radio set.
Yep, MM. When you tell someone, they look at you in this awkward silence with a silent question: ‘Soooo… what do you expect me? You expect me to do something, yes? Why the hell did you tell me that, I didn’t have to know!’. Then they smile this fake smile, say ‘it must be hard for you’ or some other bullshit and start avoiding you as if you had cooties. Or they just say that you lie and others have it worse.
It’s easier to smile and say you’re fine in the end. They won’t believe anyway.
Though I think that overcaring in the end is worse. You just start feeling like shit and a fucking burden for everyone.
My friend told me that she reacts this way bc this is how she’d like others to react for her. To remind her that she is not doing the right thing…or healthy thing…Idk, here we are very different.
I need validation constantly.
Have another friend who I thought is the most empathetic being on earth, until one days she said “you’re still depressed? Why? No need to be depressed anymore (x issue has ended)”
Uhm..
Maybe I have too high expectations of people…I know I’m very sensitive. But still, I’d like if people would just accept it…me…my feelings, not only the good ones.
If you don’t mind me asking, what do you think of your ex and his part in your relationship now? Sounds like my ex and me were the same way, only that she had BPD, not me. “Merged” (we used to say we were only one person), knight-in-shining-armor stuff, etc. We broke up three months ago.
This is a difficult question to answer…because I’m still sorting this out in my mind.
I think we both needed to be where we were, the roles we played. I needed someone to feel safe with, to see as an ideal person.
He needed to be seen as such. I think. But there was an issue with sensitivity, he could not accept it in himself. And it was difficult for him to accept and talk about emotions…it waa easier to blame others. At the end I felt too afraid to be open, because if he wanted to prove he is right he managed it all the time. He was good at mind games. But this is a long story.
Loved him though, only there was not enough passion, in a way. But a lot of safety. People thought we had the perfect relationship.
Related to friends and shallow conversations there is this video, I found it really inspiring (and I usually get bored very easily): https://youtu.be/iEg5_MaxFPo
Ignore the title, it’s about why do most conversations feel so unsatisfying…
And because we don’t freaking learn emotional intelligence…but yay, we’re thought in school all kind of abstract crap to keep the status quo going…while we become depressed and suicidal and alienated and unable to connect to each others…
I had to chuckle at that video brw. Sometimes i sit there and hear what others are saying and go for the ‘surface’ stuff and then think about the conversation later and think ‘why the fuck did i say that’ (tbh almost like the conversations on here) i pick out certain parts what people have spoken about , spew my crappy response and hit post. Then hours later, re read it, think ‘what the actual fuck are you talking about mid, thats not what they were trying to say overall’
This is why my brains a nightmare to me lol
Your posts always seem so lively and real to me though. Non-fake and atbtheor place. But I think I get what you mean.
Sometimes I feel I’m just talking in a vacuum, with myself.
Maybe I actually am. Maybe many of us are only we think we are not, we imagine we interact. Ah, this was a shitty thought. Sorry.
In a way I do think I disconnect a lot and partially live in my imaginary world. This is a very sad thought.
When I told my therapist that I feel people online uderstand me better than irl, he said, so in my imagination people online understand me.
Just like that video you shared, we (online and irl) talk away amongst ourselves, saying things we think are right, mistaking cues , holding back certain thoughts and feelings. I have far too much time on my hands, i think thats one of the reasons i torture myself so much. When your life is filled, either with work, or family or whatever crap you’re obligated to do during a day, you don’t have as much time to reflect or analyse yourself. I guess you’re either too tired to care , or something else happened in your day to worry about.
When you say you feel like you are talking in a vacuum, i think i relate.
My own interpretation would be this: I spend so much time alone , that i (fuck this sounds fucked up) talk to myself. I make jokes with myself, to make me laugh. Fuck, i’ve even talked about myself in the third person. My flat is my vacuum.
So when i speak on here, it’s refreshing to have my thoughts mirrored, sometimes eerily similar, sometimes with a unique twist.
I don’t care if it’s just faceless text from a person i’ve never met. It makes me feel less alone.
I always enjoy speaking with you brw. (if i ever go off on a tangent, please forgive me)
Yeah, alone in my flat talking to myself. Sounds familiar…I’ve already perfected different variations of this. Sometimes it’s like I’m telling a story to someome…sounds crazy I know.
And yea, it’s a nice feeling to interact with people online and read my thoughts reflected back to me, see when they can relate, or add something inspiring…or just not feel alone.
I enjoy speaking with you too, mid.
And I enjoy speaking to and seeing you speaking to each other, blue, mm. Not even a need to talk yourself, seeing as you talk instead with the same words and thoughts I would use.
Isn’t talking to yourself rather useful, hm?
I enjoy speaking to you too, nwnb, or myself. With these borrowed words.
Nice talk we had with ourselves…
(Getting dizzy from this philosophy…my mind is already in wonderland anyway – no substance needed)
The funny part is your therapist is just a dream within your dream.
Hm, if you say so. Your mind must be an interesting place.
Alan Watts? 🙂
I should ask my therapist if he’s real and try to prove him he only exists in my head.