why can’t anyone ever help me? I’m sitting here with a razor googling how to correctly slit my throat. Yes it’s gruesome but I want them, my family, cousins, ex friends to see that I’m not lying. My depression has a hold on me. They all say get over it. Stop faking it. Stop saying your going to kill yourself. So my previous attempts were what?! Bullshit?!?!
I haven’t showered in weeks. I’m 45 kilos. Not to be stuck up but I’m pretty and naturally blessed with my body. Now… I can’t get up and shower.. I stink. My face is hollow. They say shower seriously, If it was that easy wouldn’t I have done it by now I tell them. Why can’t my sister pick me up and help me shower? Why do they knock on my door to get shoes or a handbag. Am I that hard on the outside? Don’t they see or feel my pain? Im their sibling, their daughter. I’m slowly rotting and dying. HELP ME YOU SELFISH PIGS. IVE ALWAYS ALWAYS BEEN THER FOR YOU ALL. why ? I told you all this week I’m suffering depression. You’ve seen my locked in my room for over two months now.
its like I’m split down the middle. I want to fix it all and then the other half I want to die.
How am I this sad? Why? Well I know why (my life that’s truely a long ass woah movie) but honestly like WHHHYYYYY? Apparently God only puts you through what you can handle. But I don’t want this. why can’t I be normal? Fall in love get married have a home and children. Why was this path chosen?
Im so scared to die because what if my religion is bullshit? Or worse it’s true?! 15 years of depression complex ptsd, anxiety and drug addiction. When’s it going to stop?!?! I’m sick of living like this.
The f*cked up thing is I don’t know if I want to be good or to be bad. I keep bouncing between the two. I’ve been doing on off good bad 15 years and now two months ago I did something terrible. I regret it and I don’t. I hate that he’s in pain I want it to go even though he shattered my heart. I’m the type I treat you so good and will help you no matter what but when you screw me over…. I’m ruthless. That’s a whole other story which slipped me into this depression.
Now I sit here ribs crushing from anxiety, my brain hurting trying to decide do I die now?
I know go therapy blah blah blah yes I know. I have. But now. NOW.
My families broken. I’m getting the blame. Always do. Why but? I’m not stupid I know right from wrong and I can admit my faults. Why can’t one of them fix what’s going on with us. I’m sick and tired of being the parent. I can’t take it. Someone help me. Every time I come home I want to use. I just got clean. It’s screwing with me. They are killing meeeee. Its a long story why I can’t leave and live alone.
i can’t see tomorrow, next week or next year. Get me out of this bed, I don’t want to cry no more, I don’t want anyone upset. Zap my brain erase everything back to I was ten. Fake my death run away. Or God take my soul pleasssseeeeee my heart hurts so much. Or do I cut my throat properly were I’ve marked it so I don’t miss this time? Why is this so hard. Why why why can’t I be normal?
I don’t know.. all I know I don’t want to feel like this or live like this. I’m trapped.
– beautiful monster
5 comments
Beautiful –
I’d be wasting your time if I started repeating cliches you’ve no doubt heard already about staying the course, it’s not your fault, etc.
You’re obviously a ways past being able to benefit from happy talk right now, at this painful moment, so all I have to offer you right now is an ear to listen. I hear that you’re in pain and frustrated at the dysfunction in your family and the role that you have to play, that you’d rather not play.
Jesus. Normal. What the hell is normal anymore, right? How do you find “normal” through so much “abnormal?”
Normal is waking up having breakfast smiling going work, coming home to your family who’s happy. Talk to each other. We’re the love gone? Shit it’s meant to be family. We’re strangers. I’m the glue.
Also Have a partner so one day get married have kids and a home which will never happen… I’m almost 30. Too late. I’m damaged for any REAL man.
Instead under this roof..an alcoholic father, depressed weak mother, abusive brother (physical & mental) sister so selfish only cares about her bf, other sister who i know is going to be more screwed than me, the young bro… god knows. He’s so quiet. Maybe he’s going to get a gun and kill us all?
It’s 5:33 am and I’m awake like a freak.
Wow. That’s a lot – of pain, dysfunction, misplaced responsibility. I can understand wanting the “normal” scenario, definitely. Are there any practical options for you to get out, or am I misinterpreting the seriousness of your ability to function/survive outside of this environment? (And am I being too nosey, just say so if I am. It can be a bad habit.)
My culture… I can’t leave till I’m married. So stupid. It’s my brother… no words can describe what he’s done to my head and heart this last year. I leave hell take it out on the younger sister (which he has) he has robbed me so many times. My father refuses to let me live alone.
Like a stupid codependent I can’t leave my family suffering… at the same time they’re killing me. My dad said last night “keep arguing… reminds us of a murder this man committed up our street and said I’ll make that look like a joke I’m on the verge of doing something worse than him”
My parents are good people they just never have known to be parents.
My poor younger siblings… ALL I FEEL IS GUILT IF I RUN AWAY. What if my mum and dad have a heart attack?! It’s my fault. Why can’t they just fucking be parents and fking deal with the problems.
Why does it always fall on me?! After my first suicde attempt I went rehab coz I felt guilty I should stay alive for my siblings. But now.. my heart constantly hurts and it gets worse…. I have my own demons from my past… death will be sweet compared to what I’ve been through.
I want to put him in jail. My mum and dad to die disown sis 1 and take the younger two. Then my heart longs for peace to find us all. My brother won’t come therapy and is purposely doing this over materialistic items.
I can’t keep trying. And it sounds so dumb but I’m so scared to leave the younger two. I feel guilty. How can I go live happy and look what’s happening to them. Who am I kidding I can’t even shower…
So if I die I won’t feel anything. Unless my religion is true I’m going to hell. I just don’t want to feel this pain and when we have fights I get hysterical. This week I slashed my neck, gassed my self, took a bunch of pills.
It’s annoying. Pick a side beautiful monster. Live or die. Now I’m head fking my self.
This must be hell for you.
If only parenting required a license, if only there was regulation and oversight that went into the creation of humans, but unfortunately. . .
I would think that your leaving home would be encouraged as a means of achieving your own happiness, and that a satisfaction of a cultural standard is unimportant comparatively, but again, in too many cases the rules, as stupid as they are, are the rules.
It doesn’t sound dumb that you don’t want to leave the other two. It sounds normal, loving, you know? You care, in an environment of such chaos, and that in and of itself, is good, not dumb.
I can see why all this frustration is occuring. You’re left with few practical choices. I don’t know what religion you practice, but I have a difficult time believing an intelligent higher power would find fault with a person who ends their own suffering when there is no other practical solution to be found. Remember that “religion” is man made, an attempt to explain our origin, purpose and destiny. Who NEEDS religion more – Us, as humans searching for purpose and meaning, or The Most Intelligent And Powerful Being in the universe? Do rules and regulations, thees and thous, when to kneel and what to eat and when to eat it really actually matter to a force capable of creating a seemingly infinite universe of which we occupy a space roughly comparable to a fraction of a grain of sand sitting on one of millions of miles of sandy beaches? Is he/she/it so insecure as to demand our compliance with cultural traditions in order to be happy? Hmmm. . . I dont know.
Am I advocating for suicide? Open to interpretation. Ultimately, only you can make that choice. Here we are, at The Suicide Project, where the topic is openly discussed and understood by people who are suffering and at wits end.
I wish I could do more than just listen.