for months talking to others about how they too can get past the rough times. Find one happy thing etc etc and here I am, unable to follow my own advice. Those that are familiar, understand….those that are not, probably can get an idea what I am going thru. Nothing has changed with the other guy, if anything I think there is a stronger attraction but not to the man but to the affair. I’ve had 4 cardiac events since from the stress and the last week has been a constant struggle to smile. I find myself thinking about just letting go again. Of course I am a coward and probably won’t do it( mainly since I refuse to drink. I know if I drink, I could OD). I am trying to not put myself in situations where I could do it but the medicine I take for the depression only works so good. I am depressed daily but fight thru it and make myself believe there is hope for something good only to be let down when she gets home. It is killing me inside and I don’t know how to release the pain other than here to you and tears when I am alone. I don’t give up but I have had dreams of my funeral, my death and they seem so real. I had a recurring dream for days where I died, she was with him and then a bunch of other people but it ends the same way every time…I open a paper, see the obits and all the Country music stars died, on the same day….BTW I hate Country music. That is when I jump up from my sleep, heart pounding and in AFIB. It’s weird, the exact same long dream, I remember everything and ends the exact same way. Is it a sign, what does it all mean? Why do I see dead Country singers and why does that wake me up to a racing heart? It’s been 3 months and I feel like I am spinning my wheels living a lie trying to find joy in life. Anyway, thanks for reading my rant that probably makes no sense. I know there are so many worse off than I but posting here to strangers helps in some weird way. I hope each and everyone of you can find some happiness and not have to be hurt like I have been by your best friend of 30 years.
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Like your wife, people can change; they are or can become selfish, or they’re too weak to be selfless. While we can easily demonize her, she is only human and behave like one. Once you realize that the worst type of people (like bullies and abusers) are just weaker than the rest of us, we should be pitying them instead. I was able to forgive my abusive family because I considered all the things in their lives that made them that way, got into their shoes and head and realized that they hurt me because they were just weaker than me. Think about why she’s cheating on you openly, maybe deep down inside she actually is hoping you’ll commit suicide and become free from her responsibilities, then you’ll just be giving her what she wants. She is not your only family, you still have your son to live for. What matters is not the shell you’re imprisoned in, it’s the will in your heart and soul. If you have even 1% of hope left, please visit the “I Will Survive” and “Stories of Hope” section of this site. Healing starts from the inside. One step at a time. Be patient.
P.S. Did you know that psychological illness can cause physical illness too? There are cancer survivors because people have strong wills to live. “Miracles” just don’t happen, it’s all from within you.
P. P. S. If you really want revenge, do it with kindness and hurt her with guilt. The more bitter you act the more things will deteriorate. Be selfless and let her do what she wants, detach from her and think of her as someone else, because she isn’t the same person she was when you married her. The woman you loved and married is dead the moment she denounced her wedding vows of “In sickness and in health”. Being unable to forgive someone hurts you more than them. In time, when things get better, you will find a way to forgive her.
Sometimes personal feelings can cloud better judgments, try to detach yourself from your own situation and see it from a 3rd person’s perspectives. If you weren’t yourself and was someone else, what would you have done in “this person’s” situation?
I am trying. It’s just been getting to me lately. I do think she wants me dead which makes it hurt even more. I get mad because I am too weak to end my life at times but then gladother times. I am a mess right now. Sorry if I am all over the place. The guy found out I know who he is and is scared to death so its been icy for her. Shes mad I let him know I know who he is. I just dont know where I’ll end up. I want the pain to stop, the hurt that won’t leave me alone. 3 months and it just doesn’t get easier. I have my moments of joy, I try to talk to others who are much worse off but almost every night I lay down to sleep…..I pray that I don’t wake up and I hate being this person
And thank you so much for caring enough to respond. I mean that sincerely.
You’re not too weak to end your life, you’re strong for hanging on because life is scarier and more painful than death. Death is easy once you’re over the fear of the few seconds or minutes of physical pain but life is a whole other shit storm where pain is just endless and you chose to stay and suffer that pain.
In life “Shit happens” and it will keep happening. Life is about learning to live and living to learn. In every mistake, tragedy, and pain, there is a lesson to learn and once you’ve learn it, it’ll all make sense and that’s when you gain insight and wisdom. With each wisdom you gain, your heart will feel lighter and stronger. Things like forgiveness is one of them. I made a post yesterday about this (suicideproject.org/2017/06/reminders-4/)
Remember that all this is just a chapter in your life and what you’re feeling right now is really temporary even though it feels like it’s been forever and impossible to fix but you really don’t know what will happen tomorrow or next week or next month; what happens next depends on your next action and choices, will it be a positive one that might present a new opportunity or a reckless one? It’s all about perspectives and attitude. If you really believe that something is unbearable, it’ll really become unbearable. Reality is in the eyes of the beholder. Don’t sabotage yourself.
A question if I may, is your chronic pain incurable? Have you explored all options?
There is no one who’s “much worse off” than anyone else, everyone has their limits and level of tolerance. I’ve felt all the same feelings you’re feeling right now even though it’s for a different problem, no level of pain can be scaled. Sorry if what I’m about to say may offend you but it sounds like you’re playing a game of tag with your wife, competing with each other on who can hurt the other more. The only way to win is to not play the game at all. If you can’t forget about her and not care what she does with her life, than fake it until you make it. Sit back and watch her chase her own tails.
I’ve come to another probability; If your wife is cheating openly, perhaps she may be testing you, to see if you’re willing to think about her happiness over your own and to determine if you love her enough to let her go, or whether if you’re just hanging onto her for support. She may be testing your intentions. Trust is a tricky thing once you’ve known someone for so long, it may waver and become a nasty game. I hope you can determine if your relationship is repairable or not. Take time to evaluate everything.
Perhaps you should directly ask what she wants or expects from you. If you do decide to do that, you have to be prepared to hear the worst possible answers and not get angry. Prepare for what might happen next. Ask it calmly, don’t raise your voice or change subjects. Once you hear her answers, ask if it’s really her honest answer because you won’t ask again. Don’t do this if you’re not ready to let her go if it really comes to that.
You can’t change who she is or who she has become but you can change yourself and your attitude. You can’t control what she does but you can control your reactions. Don’t think about what you can’t control and concentrate on what you can.
Thanks and yes, I am no longer able to have surgery. I broke my spine and due to lack of oxygen for so long, it’s too soft ffor more fusions. Ive have my neck, lower back and hip already done but that’s it. I have COPD/Emphysema which is in stage 3(moderate/severe? and the stress of the affair caused my heart to stop. Now it goes in and out of AFIB so I am being treated for that too for life now LOL I am telling you, For a 49 year old, I have had more shit hit me than some can believe. Every time I see a new specialist, they say” How the hell did all this happen to you so young”. I am just so much in love still, even through this shit with this guy. I have thought about ruining his life, which I could but that’s not me. I could hurt her but again, that’s not me. She wants to stay married but have a boyfriend who can “provide” what I cant. I thought I could get past the sex aspect but I was lying to myself. I carry so much guilt that I am where I am with my health. I do everything I can to extend my life and keep my mobile. I just get so depressed partly out of self pity and then on how can she do this to me? I would not ever do this to her if she were sick. I mean, at least she said she wont ever leave me, which I could not handle emotionally. 31 years together cannot be undone.
I have asked her what she wants and expects from me. She said she was naive thinking that this situation could work. And no offense taken, sometimes its best to have someone slap you in the face with a dose of reality.
I am pretty sure she wont leave but either I find a way to cope with him or I lose my mind and end up doing something stupid.
We are talking about buying a new Harley. I used to ride but due to the pain, it’s hard for me to do long rides. I dont want to say she is materialistic but she is. If I was making the money again, none of this would be happening. She is a good person most of the time but this is a side of her I never knew. She can be so cold and hurtful, ignoring my tears and pain.
I know I am rambling. I feel a little better this morning(2 am EST) than i did yesterday and thats how it seems to go. I feel okay and then crash. My mood and emotions as based on how she is. I am so afraid she would have enough and leave so I walk on eggshells, bottling up all my pain. I stare at my painkillers at times knowing with enough alcohol, I could take them and go to sleep forever. Big reason I do not drink anymore or at least while I am feeling down. I just have to get my shit together, feel like a man again(If that makes sense)..that is it right there. I don’t feel like a man anymore. I sit home, am dependent on her for help and now that she has to start working since I got hurt, I feel like I failed even though I didn’t cause any of these things to happen to me. I am trying though, that’s why I posted and try to talk to others who seem way worse off than I. I apppreciate your thoughtful response and the time you took to talk to me, it helps alot
People can be so cold and hurtful, ignoring other’s tears and pain because they themselves are in pain, they feel their own pain more than they feel yours and that’s why some people can be hurtful to those they love.
I had the wrong impression of her, seems like she does still love you as much as you love her but she’s a human with human needs and all this happened because of those human needs. This has happened the other way around, someone’s wife became paralyzed for life and the husband did what your wife did, not because he didn’t love her, because he was human with emotional and physical needs. Your desire to hurt her for hurting you, was that a part of yourself you’ve ever known? People change and grow all the time, you’re not the same you from last year. People change and grow according to circumstances. There are always a part of yourself you’ll never know until shit happens and brings that part of you out. The side of her you never knew is like that, she always had it, these circumstances just brought it out. You said that you would never have done that to your wife but perhaps your wife thought the same but things turned out this way because she was too weak to endure it. Your understanding that she needs the “cheating” and the fear that the “cheating” will lead to the end of your relationship is very valid and understandable. This is probably one of the insane challenges life has thrown at you, like a giant puzzle you feel like you can’t complete, like there is no other solution but that’s because solutions takes time and you want it now.
My brother is a war vet and he came back broken and is somewhat in a similar situation; he sat at home playing games on his computer while his wife works long hours to provide for him. She cheated on him as well because he was practically ignoring her playing games all day and night, she felt like he created a void in her even though she understood why and how he became broken and has tried to help him recover. He probably didn’t feel like a man either and that added to his pain. What is a man is supposed to be like, that’s what society painted for you, do you have to really live according to society’s ideals and expectations? because in case you haven’t noticed, society have very unrealistic expectations and shallow values. It’s the 21st Century, make your own values and be your own man.
After all the arguments, fights, and separating (moving out), it took them 5 years for things to get better and just this year he went back to work, not a job he can brag about but he did do it anyways and had to start from the bottom again.
I am so sorry for your health conditions but you can’t actually be sure it’s “for life” because our medical technology is advancing very quickly and who knows, maybe within a few years you’ll have better options. I asked about your conditions because I know a place that will assist the terminally and chronically ill people with a painless and peaceful end with the consent of their family members. It’s like falling asleep and never waking. I’m not going to share that info because right now you sound like you’re prone to jumping into it and I feel like you have better options that you haven’t explored. Hang onto your will, the pain you feel is as big as you believe it to be; If you believe it’s unbearable, it’ll become unbearable. it’s all in your perception.
In case you need reminding, there are 5 C’s of Successful Relationships; communication, compromise, commitment, compassion, and collaboration. If you’re aiming to get better, first realize that it takes time and patience and you should consider talking to her about it. Tell her your plans for the future and that you need her to compromise with you. She’s probably as broken as you are, that’s why she “needs” to have another man to fix it for her (calm her pain) and the problem is, you don’t have anyone else but her and she’s too broken to be your fix. Can you imagine the chaos in that set up?
Everyone have their stories; mine, my brother, sister, and parents, they’ve all had insane amounts of tragedy in their lives and they are all still suffering for it but they never gave up and I’m still here preaching to you.
Normally I skip the small “wish you well” part unless I sincerely mean it and I really hope you do find your way again and get past this dark chapter in your life because I know full well the insane shits life beings you because I’ve been there too. All great stories have insane amount of tragedy, what drives the protagonist even after all the attempts of giving up is love and patience, but when they really give up is when they lose the battle. Don’t let your story end like this.
You could try searching for others in your position and put your heads together or gain insight from their decisions?
In a way, I guess helping others is like helping myself, see what kind of advice I come up with for them and then take my own advice. I’m still hurting too, but I’m not done fighting this battle. Be like a soldier, the fight isn’t over until all my limbs are gone and my heart gives out, as long as I still have something to fight for, it isn’t over and sometimes you lose sight of what you’re fighting for, just have to remind yourself again. The reason why you’re on this site is the same, you’re not giving up that easily, good and don’t.
This is really funny, I took a shot and googled “dream symbolism country music” and here’s what I got
> For someone who loves country music and hears country music in their dream, the interpretation will be different for someone who hates country music. If the genre of music is something you like, then the music is offering you some advice. If the genre of music you hear in your dream is something you hate, then it means that you are refusing or rejecting some advice.
I don’t know if that means anything. Maybe it means you’re rejecting your own advice. You commented a great piece of advice on my thread the other day. “we know that we will bounce back one day….we just don’t know when but we are too strong inside to give up yet”
Sometimes it feels good to quit, say it’s hopeless and life is over. But that’s just the depression talking. which leads me to another great piece of advice “my brain knows when it’s depression talking. Ive learned or try to learn to realize those feelings will pass.”
Take your own advice, it’s good!!!
LOL Thanks! I never even thought of checking Google. Its so weird, the exact same dream over and over and over and the Country stars, it’s not even like big ones from today. I mean like old ones you haven’ heard from in 30 years. I see the guy shes cheating with, cops, strangers at a gas station talking, an old car I had when I was 16…it goes on and on and right when I open the paper to see the obits announcing their death, I literally jump up out of bed…heart racing and chest sore as hell….sweat and it takes like 30 mins for me to calm down. It’s so real and colorful, I remember lots of shiny gold clothes(like the 70’s & 80’s hee haw type country clothing) cheesy as hell but i know everything means something or my brain trying to tell me something. I just can’t figure it out. I will be okay this time, I am feeling a little better here at 2am but it sucks because I know ill hurt again. I just dont want to keep feeling like this. 3 months now and my heart doesnt stop aching. Its just something I have to deal with or die, that I know. I just dont know what’s going to happen to me. Hopefully good things. I thank you for taking the time to respond AND Google for me haha I hope you have a great day/weekend