Of course we mustn’t live in the past. And of course its unhealthy to regret a lot of things but my past is what haunts me the most. Some people like how their life turned out even through all the ups and downs but no matter how hard I try to get over my past the more pain I remember and so I feel it in the present. I especially remember the moments where I could’ve and should’ve done things differently. I might’ve not been so messed up if I had just avoided certain situations that appeared safe but really turned out to be quite the opposite. I had no idea demons were waiting behind certain doors. I wouldn’t have opened the doors with the demons inside if I had known then what I know now. But why me?….what did I do so wrong to deserve these demons? I feel like a horrible person. But I feel like I’m not supposed to be. Are some of us destined to be horrible human beings without a choice? My mind can’t stop thinking “If I had just chosen this and not that”. I’m doing good things these days and I’m a healthier person today but there are certain memories of situations where if I had just made a different decision life would have changed so dramatically for the better but instead I made the wrong choice.
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If you had made a different choice at a certain juncture, would you know it was better than the alternative? You can only by nature make one choice, and so only know the consequences of that one path. Everything else is speculation. So here you are, after following this path to this point in time and space, learning like everybody does. We’re all fumbling around in the dark, looking for a light switch when the answer might be to learn to see in the dark instead.
The thing is that whatever happened, there wasn’t the right choice. You made the one you thought was the best concerning the circumstances and that it. Now you need to live with it.
It’s always hard and I can’t say if it’s getting easier at all. With time, you start to accept it but some things you’ll never forgive, be they done by others or yourself.
How can you know if it would be better if you’ve chosen differently? You can’t. It could have been all the same in the end, just a bit later, it could be worse too, couldn’t it?
How are you today, lonewolf?
Not living in the past only works for people who have shitty memory. For the rest of us, the past is an ocean of a hundred thousand memories while the present is just a drop.
Sometimes you may have shitty memory, yet be haunted by all that happened. You can sometimes forget the details but emotions are always left to torture you for the rest of your life.