i’m about to post things that have been going through my head for more than 10 years, but i’ve never shared with anyone. now, why am i saying it here? because no one can know. and here, everyone knows yet they don’t know; and i just need to get this things out, because i feel like it’ll maybe help somehow. last night i couldn’t sleep, and so i was sitting on the couch, watching the sunrise, when thoughts that haunt me decided to keep me company. this time, however, i wrote everything down. keep in mind i didn’t check what i wrote and don’t plan on doing it, because reading it might make everything worse. it’s basically me talking to someone and maybe sometimes to myself. also, it’s pretty long. i don’t expect for people to actually read it, but just putting it out there may help, who knows.
The sky is getting light now, it’s 4:18 am as i type. Weird, i don’t feel tired or sleepy at all; this is a first.
I feel like a zombie right now; just going through motions and through life without doing anything but make everything harder for everyone else. The space i take up and occupy i don’t deserve. I take it for granted when others wish they had it. I even dare say i don’t want it; I want to be the teen all the people my age i know get to be; even though they’re there and i’m here. I have such a wonderful opportunity’ one others would do anything if it meant they got to live it, too. And yet, here i am, wishing everything was different.
Speaking of things being different, it all goes back to when i was a kid. A tiny kid, who just wanted to make others happy and help them in any way i could. “If i can help them, then i will” is sort of what went through my mind. Looking back now, i think you saw that, and took advantage of it. You went, and lied, and used me, and tried to make me believe this wasn’t a bad thing. That this was just me helping you. Then why did it always happen while everyone else was asleep? Why were you always cautious of everyone? Why were the doors always locked? Why was she so angry at you when she found out? Why didn’t i understand?
I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to remember.
Even though she found out, it happened one last time a few months later. And that one time was the worst one. Because by then, i knew it wasn’t right. I knew this is not something that happens to everyone. This was something i did not want; and yet i didn’t feel like i could say no. On past occasions, you didn’t ask. So i assumed i couldn’t back down because i said i’d help. I was trying not to cry, yet i was weak and let a sound escape my mouth, but deep down inside i was hoping you’d notice i didn’t want this. I hoped you’d notice how much it hurt. How bad i felt. How i wanted to run and never come back. How foolish of me. While you did notice the sound i made, all you did was ask. Ask if it was a moan of pleasure. Ask if i liked it. Then i cried. And left. But nowhere was safe anymore. You robbed me of happiness and freedom. To this day, i flinch when you suddenly get too close. And you think it’s just me being silly. I can’t stand using bathrooms without locks because of you. You robbed me of so much, it’s painful to think about it. It’s painful to remember. I don’t want to remember. I need to not remember or i’ll go insane. Even after all these years, you’re still robbing me of everything; my self esteem, my laughs, my peace of mind, my cleanliness.
Once while playing never have i ever, someone asked if i was a virgin. And i had to take a shot. Everyone looked at me like i was gross; so i lied. I had to lie. I said i was just thirsty, and that i didn’t even hear the question. I lied. I lied like you lied to me. And i don’t regret it. And you probably don’t regret it either. I want to rest.
The sky is now a light blue with some pinks mixed in, it’s 4:40 am as i finish typing; yet i don’t feel tired.