So if you don’t know in one of my past post I talked about having dreams that make me cry in my sleep or dreams that make me upset or sad (although I’m sure no one read it at all). They are harmless dreams that just reminded me of my past which I was sad I couldn’t relive differently. But this dream I had last night was not like the others I had.
The dream starts with me and my family on a passenger airplane. All seems well until something happens and the plane spirals out of control. In the dream I saw we didn’t crash but after I got out of the plane I had found out by a misterious lady at a desk that I had died upon impact with me and my whole family. Once I found out I broke down in tears. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live for the sake of my bird and my best friend (at the time that’s all I thought about in the dream). I knew I would never see them again. I was afraid I had abandoned them. I remember a part in the dream were I was drawing a picture of me beside my best friend and sobbing uncontrollably while others who passed on with me just stared quietly. At that point I had shook myself out of the dream thankfully by the sound of my snorts (I don’t know why I did that but I remember hearing myself snort after every sob) and the light of my laptop.
When I woke up my eyes were flooding with tears and I was still sobbing. I was so afraid it was real. I remembered that you can tell if your still in a dream by reading words on the tv or even on a can of soup. So I grabbed my phone read my messages to see if they made sense and for added extra measure I turned on the tv and read the news that was on. Thankfully the words made sense so I wasn’t dreaming anymore. But I was still upset and in a panic about the nightmare..
It’s weird because a few days ago I attempted suicide and a few days after I have this dream.. it oddly made me realize that I didn’t want to die and I never do. I don’t want to leave the things that matter to me behind. I felt like I dreamed this because reality wanted to make me realize that even in death I’d be devistated to leave everyone behind. If I did die I would never be able to come back and see anyone ever again.. no matter how hard I’d try to get to them I’d never be able to.