This was written shortly before my 20th birthday (April 5, 2017)

Hi, I’m new to this site.

I don’t know where to start. This is going to be a very long post, so I am very proud of anyone who can make it through this entire post.

I will be turning 20 in less than 3 weeks, and I just want you guys to know that I HAVE SO MUCH TROUBLE IN MY LIFE. I literally feel like there is NO ONE who I can relate to totally. This can be very hard for me at times.

Since I don’t know where to start, I will just start out with some of my main problems.

I hate myself. I hate being different than 99.999999% of people I know, and I hate how most people I know seem to have a much better life than I do. There are people who I have wanted to be so badly, not only because they seem to have a better life than me, but because I like their personalities so much. No one will understand this. This has all caused me SO MUCH pain in the past and I feel like I will always and forever hate myself.

Every time something is important to me, it almost ALWAYS gets ruined in some way. I have so many goals that I will talk about in a second, and I just can’t seem to get them for stupid reasons.

I enjoy going bowling and playing video games, especially Guitar Hero 3. I also have OCD and thoughts that distract me while I do those things and IT WILL MAKE NO SENSE IF I SAY WHAT THEY ARE. So I won’t.
But here is my main problem.

I feel like if I didn’t have my OCD, that I could be SO GOOD at many different video games that I play and other things too. Because, basically, it distracts me when I play them. It’s hard to explain. The fact that I can’t do NEARLY as well in video games or bowling or ANYTHING;as well as I SHOULD be doing, is SO DEPRESSING I can’t even tell you. Hell, I think it is what is causing almost ALL of my depression. I’m 19 (almost 20) and have been SEVERELY depressed since I was 11 ALL BECAUSE OF THIS. Since I was 11, I have also been severely depressed because I have felt so much different than my friends and that has caused me SO MUCH confusion. I am confused EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. About many things. 24/7/365. I don’t think there is even one day where I am not confused because of all this stuff.

I am also a huge bowler. I have loved bowling ever since I was in 5th grade (and I’m a sophomore in college now). About a year ago, I stopped doing bowling because it got so stressful due to all my distractions getting in the way of me bowling well.

I have a story about bowling that is hard to understand and hard to explain. When I am bowling, I start worrying about stuff (that I would rather not explain) and when I do, it makes me mess up my shot and lowers my scores IMMENSELY. Like I said before, this makes me so depressed that I can’t even tell you.

Basically, I truly believe that if I didn’t have ANY distractions like this, that I could set a world record for most strikes in a row in bowling (which is 47, btw which you probably didn’t know.) I KNOW, it sounds SO HARD to believe me when I say that I believe I could beat that. I SWEAR TO GOD, I am almost 100% POSITIVE THAT I could set this record if my distractions were not there. I have had this belief for over two years now.

Try to imagine this for a second. JUST TRY TO IMAGINE how depressed you would feel if you felt like you should have set a WORLD RECORD( which is of over SEVEN BILLION FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!) and you can’t because your stupid weird ass distractions get in the way. I can’t even BEGIN to explain how depressed that makes me, because I am just about 100%SURE OF IT. JUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH THIS BOTHERS ME. That’s right, you probably can’t. I feel like this problem will never get fixed and that there is no hope at all whatsoever.

There are times when I don’t want to die but I want all this shit to stop. Because ever since my last birthday, I have been SO OVERWHELMED and that is a terrible feeling to have. I am afraid that it will only get worse the older I get. My life has not been good up to this point.

I can’t even recall the last time I felt truly happy. Even when I was younger, like in Elementary School, which was before the “Great Depression” in my life started, I was never happy that much. I can recall a couple of times in elementary school just thinking to myself,”wow my life is really sad. Nothing new or exciting ever happens in it.” And guess what? About 11/12 years later I STILL feel that way.

I have never been, nor will I ever probably be a happy person.

I don’t know what to say. I feel like NO ONE HAS THE SAME PROBLEMS AS ME AND IT MAKES ME SO MOTHERFUCKING DEPRESSED!!!!!!!! I don’t think I will ever find someone with similar problems to me I CANT STRESS ENOUGH how much this bothers me.

In general my life sucks. I have never been a happy person and nothing new or exciting ever happens. I have dealt with nothing but pain over the last eight years. I have never attempted suicide. BUT GET THIS. If there was a painless way to commit suicide, I would have already done it a LONG time ago. There are so many nights where I am so overwhelmed that I just hope that my life will end.

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I hate the way God is treating me and I hate how he is so much nicer and kinder to so many other people other than me. It’s like he wants me to be miserable and wants everyone else to be happy but me( even if their happiness is for a small period of time.)

I HAVE SO MUCH TO EXPLAIN BUT I PROBABLY WONT BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN IT ALL. So I am just doing my best so far.

I feel like there is no way out of this. I’m tired as FUCK of living, yet I don’t REALLY want to die.
Also, PLEASE UNDERSTAND that I am also very bothered by the fact that I haven’t done everything I needed to yet. PLEAEE HELP ME SOMEONE.