after years of suffering, it’s getting good at last.
i think i’m feeling happy and it seems to last for a while. the question here is, why did God tortured me like that?
i know that the day would come that everything will turn upside down again and i will feel down and suicidal -since no happiness is everlasting and no sadness, too- and i think that i’m not ready for that day.
i definitely feel stronger than before all these things happened to me – i don’t really want to say what i’m referring to by “these” – but i don’t like the idea of being put into this life by force and then being tortured to become stronger without knowing what’s this all about. i feel kind of lonely and empty. i can never forgive god for all those suffering, even though i know it was good for me. i never wanted this life, and even if one day comes that all the happiness in the world is mine and i find true meaning of all these, i still can’t forget my dark days and i still can’t forgive god for all the times that i was left alone and i desperately needed him and he didn’t show up (i finally survived and now i’m happy, but it was too late and i’ve suffered more than enough)
i wish i could end this life. but there’s this undeniable survival instinct inside me.
wish me luck