Home Chronic Pain why God tortured me like that?
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after years of suffering, it’s getting good at last.

i think i’m feeling happy and it seems to last for a while. the question here is, why did God tortured me like that?

i know that the day would come that everything will turn upside down again and i will feel down and suicidal -since no happiness is everlasting and no sadness, too- and i think that i’m not ready for that day.

i definitely feel stronger than before all these things happened to me – i don’t really want to say what i’m referring to by “these” – but i don’t like the idea of being put into this life by force and then being tortured to become stronger without knowing what’s this all about. i feel kind of lonely and empty. i can never forgive god for all those suffering, even though i know it was good for me. i never wanted this life, and even if one day comes that all the happiness in the world is mine and i find true meaning of all these, i still can’t forget my dark days and i still can’t forgive god for all the times that i was left alone and i desperately needed him and he didn’t show up (i finally survived and now i’m happy, but it was too late and i’ve suffered more than enough)

i wish i could end this life. but there’s this undeniable survival instinct inside me.

wish me luck

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6 comments

a1957 6/24/2017 - 1:22 pm

I understand, unfortunately.

calisto131 6/24/2017 - 2:49 pm

Last night, I prayed meaningfully to god for the first time in years “Please, don’t let me wake up in the morning.”… I guess there’s always that hope that one day God will listen.
I relate to what your saying. Ive gotten stronger too. Right now I’m in the midst of a relapse but at least I know what’s going on. It gets bearable. With or without god.

I wish you luck

an_old_child 6/29/2017 - 5:50 am

Yeah i guess god doesn’t work that way, by begging him to kill you i mean.

thanks

p.s: how do you know what’s going on?

PPPP3 6/24/2017 - 6:48 pm

I too understand what u all r thinking. It’s a process that’s constantly changing. Traumas and f-up our most basic beliefs, and become very confusing, esp. concerning God, God’s “plan” and when he’ll let us leave the battlefield to be eternally joyful,peaceful + safe in HEAVEN. I have alot to say on this topic, but for now just want to suggest what took me years to figure out (post rape followed by even mire horrific outcome of rape, back in 1999.(zFirst time I was ever REALLY mad at God, blamed him for letting it happen etc. Etc.
NOPE TRAUMA (ANGER) messed up my reasoning…God did NOT , and WOULD NOT EVER, WANT SONETHING BAD TO HAPPEN TO ME (OR YOU). He loves you Very, very MUCH. HE CREATWD YOU TO BE VERY SPECIAL, and I’m pretty sure he never makes mistakes.
This world can be very evil.
God did not create that, it is because of SIN…
Sin so messed up his so perfect plan for this world (where he privided just about everything we need to survive, love, be happy, etc. Etc.
Sin messed up his perfect plans so much for you and our earth, that he had to sacrifice his only son, Jesus who was brutally beaten, mocked, insulted, brutaluzed and tortured and left to die (just like some of us have been) SO God could resurrect him AND PROVE to the evil people, HE IS A GOD OF LIFE AND LOVE AND GOOD, And LIFE, BECAUSE OF LOVE (OF his son and of US) IT CAN ALWAYS WIN.
period, end of story, and although I’m really bad at explaining anything about God or the bible our my spiritual beliefs…Please consider what I’m saying might be true…Because it took me many years, being not so trusting or at peace with my GOD (kinda lost) to get to where I am now,
Which is with 100% certainty nobody lives me more than God (he cares intensely about my goid and positive well-being…And although he can not stop people or life from having sin hardship etc.”bad things” he ALWAYS, 100% OF THE TIME, will be there, to comfort you and give you peace and safety in his arms (yes he even fully accepts and asks for you to give HIM ALL THE PROBLEMS YOU CAN NO LONGER TOLERATE OR DEAL WITH .

Ok where I am going with all this…my life is very complicated (especially what it took to figure out the God part (that he is ONLY A LOVING GOD, never a punishing God, and the evil on this earth angers him sometimes even more than it does us. *yes ge is a just God, and when necessary I think he will do something (appropriate) so those evil cruel sinners in this world know it was never ok with him.
JUSTICE. His job, not mine to worry about…

Ok back to why I felt it was so important (now) even though I feel really awful and am having a REALLY hard time seeing and typing (pls ignore typo, hopefully next time im here i can feel +do better…
Had I not figured out how God is and always was my best friend, snd lived ME more than anybody ever has (yep I have a fucked up family, fucked up (not loving but rather sociopathic EVIL younger son whicg I still don’y get WHY God has NOT yet fixed him (yes very very hard to trust/understand what God’s plan has been for my son, the result of the rape who I expected to be loving and wonderful like my older son was, vut is the exact opposite…
Sorry Im getting off topic…Yes my current life is extremely fucked up, and the beginning of the downfall (not the reason-idk) was around then …the only point I want to make through all this rambling about my very painful life, so painful that i tried SO hard, loved him and protected him so much, but instead he turned out to be the most damaging thing EVER To HAPPEN TO ME (my son Christian Daniel..the only important point I need/want to make TODAY,
That had I not realized that God never wanted any iOF the bad to HAPPEN,BUT ALWAYS IS THERE TO COMFORT ME + literally take away, accept 100% responsibility for those I CAN no longer deal with (my non-loving, actually very evil, possibly psychopathic son who I know very likely could stab me in the hearrt and leave me to die in the street and would not even feel a twinge of remorse or guilt… had I not realized how much God can/will care/live/comfort me and everyrhing else, U’m certain I would be already dead and/or mentally or physically severely disabled (like a breakdown) because the pain so often was completely INTOLERABLE..
I’VE yelled, begged, pleaded and just about everything else to get God to agree to allow me in heaven sooner. I think he’s listening, like just 2 weeks ago I was alone in my car in a remote location with a severly low 30 blood sugar… but he disappointed me and somehow gave me the strength to crawl to the trunk for sugar (cookies juice) i found. Damn! Would have been almost close to perfect departure (alone in a peaceful place instead of a noisy and too iften very evil hospital – yes a few angels still work in health care field, but that like EVERYTHING ELSE ON OUR DECADENT EARTH, IS MORE ABOUT MONEY AND INSURANCE COMPANY’S POWER (WHICH I HAVE NONE DUE TO EVIL PEOPLE)…
SUMMARY: God loves YOU (I’M 100%CERTAIN)..
He thinks YOU ARE VERY SPECIAL (He created you so of course you are perfect. I’m fairly certain he almost NEVER makes mistakes, even when NOthing sense to me (like my very abusive younger son, I fear now, prob more than anything..
I still have s tiny bit of hipe that God can fix him *I tried and know I can’t).
And part of the relief of finally realizing God never allows bad things to happen to Good people, THEY just do..Is I can hand him all my problems and anger and grief ans everything else i feel that is so unbelievably painful …and TRUST
somehow, someday, when the time is right, he’ll pull it all together so it finally makes sense to me…

YES I’M PATHETIC…KINDA AT THE END (NOT SURE IF IT WILL BE A DRAMATICALLY NEW PATH (MIRACLE) OR DEATH FRON MY BODY AND MIND BEING BEAT UP TOO LONG AND TOO SeVERELY…IDK. But thank goodness i figured out God reslly wants to comfort and PROTECT me (ny spirit after it got shattered, because it’s the only thing in my mind or life that feels ok. (God + Jesus are my best friends, even when if everybody hates me…
And if any of you are thinking I’m just a very screwed up 55 yo old lady on a verge of a nervous breakdown.. I don’t think so.
People and this world never felt right to me. I’m too decent too honest too everything to fit in..i played the game well, appeared very happy and successful before my world SHATTERED…but something always jyst did not seem right (evil bad people etc).
But God and Jesus always feel 100% right- a shame i couldnt figure this out years ago…Not trysed people so mych who later k ocked me down severly. Ill try to keep you posted on God’s decisions, because I’m still begging him to see my point of view, I really am too weak to keep trying to survive on this evil earth (homeless and alone) much longer. Today felt so bad, again got no work accomplished (my fault for losing f9cus after an ex friend emailed some reallt mean things to me.
Go find God, take a break, that’s what I’m now going to do. Byee.

an_old_child 6/29/2017 - 5:55 am

oh…

PPPP3 6/24/2017 - 6:53 pm

Omg. Took me an hour to get my point across. Then immeadiately after I clicked youtube back on and this song came on. Not a song Ive ever thoyght to share with anyone, ever…But it says much better, than I was able to, here it is: https://youtu.be/LjY1DzErHhY
You’re A GOOD Father, by Darlene Zschech
Hope u enjoy it. I really did 🙂

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