Its dark here. Well not dark but seems that way. I feel everything coming back. The feeling. The self hate. Everything. Its either all at once or nothing at all. I’m taking the pills again. The ones that help me sleep. The same ones where I took a whole bottle a night, made my insides hurt like death of 1000 cuts. Death of 1000 cuts would probably be better than what I’m feeling right now. The thing is when I was taking the whole bottle a night a new one would appear in the morning. They knew what I was doing and they didn’t care. I guess I didn’t care either.
I like to have a lot of things around me. Because less things make me feel lonely. And with that I guess to much shit around me makes me feel claustrophobic, like the walls are coming in on me, like I’m dying. I have dreams that I’m dying sometimes. I drown and when I open my eyes I’m in bed then I close them again I’m under water. I don’t have a fear of water. Its actually my favorite place to be.
I have so much shit on my mind I could write a damn book or 2. Since I’m gonna be writing down these god awful rant\crybaby bullshit post I guess ill start signing it.
much love, much hope, much feeling,
Can I ask what pills you’re taking? They put me on zolpidem and it makes me sleep alright, but the day after is hell. Irritable, anxious, and once I had paralyzing depression so bad I wanted to smash myself with a hammer. And that’s totally not like me because I usually go for peaceful and painless. I did some research and it turns out other people experience the same thing. Not everyone but enough to worry.
How long and how big of a dose have you been taking?
Write it then, Octavia. Write it here, a chapter every day if you feel like it until you’ve created a book or two.
If I can ask, why are you taking the whole bottle a night? And who are ‘they’?