Haunting thoughts has come once again, to roam inside my mind, and plague it with doubt. So instead lying awake at night, I thought maybe writting my thoughts down would help.
1: “I wonder why thoughts come in the middle of night.” Why not the middle of the day when I can sit there and sort out why I’m thinking this way? I wonder what the science is behind it.
2: “what would it be like if you never existed?” The world would be no different, life would continue. Life owes you nothing, but you owe everything to life. Better to not exist, however if you die, your love ones will miss you. But, they will only miss you for a while, and then you will be a distance memory.
3: “Dying is permanent.” You cannot choose to be alive the next day. So quit being a ***** and get over yourself. Do it or Don’t.
4: ” I hate you.” Don’t worry, I hate you too. You disappoint everyone around you. You cannot be normal and quit thinking like you do. You stress yourself out so badly, you break out in a rash, gross.
5: “Why?” Because life is not beautiful, it is ugly, raw, but it is real. Your life is just a piece of trash that is sitting in the garbage of existence. Overwritten, overplayed, overdone. Nothing new. Only thing new, is you being a new piece of waste.
(Ps: this is just me talking to myself, my thoughts and discussions with my thoughts.)
8 comments
> So quit being a ***** and get over yourself. Do it or Don’t.
It seems like it’s more than that. I don’t know what it is that I want, what would be the right thing to do. One of the options lets me have more time to consider, whereas the other is final. Who knows, maybe the end of the tunnel is just around the corner, or it doesn’t exist at all and the tunnel goes on forever. Ending it now might be right if there is indeed no end. But the chance that life might get better at some point is what keeps me going right now. Not doing it now though doesn’t mean that I won’t change my mind in the future and decide that it’s a futile effort after all.
Hey, similar things on my end too for a long time before. I don’t know about you or the others, but the source of my problems was FEAR. I did (and still do) have bad thoughts, vengeful thoughts etc., but fear intensified them even more every time I tried to resist them. From what I see, you may be confused, uneasy about these thoughts inside of you. I know its very difficult for you right now, I’d been there before. Well, I suggest please try to calm yourself , i.e., let go of the worry/curiosity about these thoughts. I know it will not be easy to do so (it was extremely hard for me and took a lot of time to let go of my extreme worry). When you are calm, then everything will be more clearer and may be you will find some answers to your initial questions. Take care
Fear does play a lot into how my thoughts play out. Mainly, the fear of death. I fear it for the simplest reasons like it’s end, and I fear it because of the fact my love ones will move on. It sounds really selfish, but I do not want them to mourn over me every single day. I just fear that the thought of me will never be there anymore because I was insignificant to leave a big enough impact. And from there, it spirals downward.
And I agree, if I am calm, I can usually talk myself down from that point. However, when I am tired it’s a different story so I have to force down the thoughts because I do not want to deal with it.
It’s interesting that you say you wish your thoughts would come during the day when you can sort out why you feel the way you do. This week I’ve been wishing I didn’t instinctively over analyze everything I feel. It makes me feel like I have to validate my feelings and thoughts to myself, which leads me to feel even worse, because I feel like they aren’t valid or significant and no one would get me …
I understand where you are coming from. I used to do a similar thing and because of it, I bottled everything down and caused more problems. I came to conclusion that over anazlying and over thinking is more like rebuilding a previous thought I had. Thoughts and feelings are always changing so I taught myself that “I am feeling this way because you are human.” Basically just saying that it’s okay and I can figure out why I feel this way. This why I want it to happen during the day because at night, I am tired and just want sleep.
I hope you can find some peace of mind.
Try to get your Dr. to give you ativan. It works like a charm for me and I sleep like baby 😛
I am hoping to see my doctor soon for a different reason so I might have to ask her about it.
Do you know if it is harsh on the stomach? I have a sensitive stomach so I always worry about what I am taking.
It shouldn’t be hard on your belly, it’s a very light drug. The lowest dosage is 1 mg