Destined to Fail

I’m at the lowest of lows. So low, I have no one to turn to that could possibly understand, so here I am inter web. This life has been filled with disappointments failures and wrong decision after wrong decision. I grew up poor, I was super skinny, and had horribly fucked up crooked teeth. My dad was/is a alcoholic narcissist. And my mother thinks God fixes all problems. My parents had/have a fucked up warped sense of society and cultural norms and I was an out cast in school for knowing nothing different. I was depressed because of my home situation and never knowing how long we were going to have a roof over our heads. my mom used me as an emotional crutch for her and my fathers problems. I was horribly depressed. My dad belittled me, told me I had no reason to be depressed. Fucking asshole would take me and my baby sister out to the boonies were he could get super fucked up drunk with all his buddies, and leave us in the car for hours while my mom was at work super late at night. I tried hard in school but failed as I had no support, my mom worked many jobs and my dad yelled and belittled a 2nd grader for needing help with homework. At 9 I got a 60 dollar loan from gramps bought used toys from the Goodwill and sold them at swap meets. I did this for YEARS every sat/sun. making 75-150 a day. I was saving for college. my parents took my money and told me I shouldn’t cry, I should help contribute to the house. I used the water/light/and (kinda) had food….so I had better give my due share. I could have paid for my college education but it was stolen by my parents from my bank account. I felt everything I tried was for nothing. It burns me up that my dad could have gone to yard sales and sold shit like I did, but instead made me work and took my money. Piece of shit. My teens I rebelled made bad decisions and when 18 rolled around I MOVED THE FUCK OUT! Life was great for almost 10 years. I, for the first time in  my life was in control of my own life, and had no one dragging me down. Well, at 18 I met my now husband. It was great until I got pregnant at 28. We had a plan. we would both work part time and STILL be able to afford our lifestyle! Except when after a pregnancy and emergency c-section that almost killed me, I went back to work but he just could face going to a job that he hated. He decided to work for an employer that rarely paid his BUT as my husband said “at least he lets me go to his cabin so i can go hunting, I really need the time to recharge” at the time, I was busting my ass at work working 50 hours gunning for a promotion. I was passed up twice. My husband berated me endlessly. I developed fibromyalgia (although at the time I didn’t have a name for the excruciating pain) I worked 10 hours, my husband passed the baby to me, I changed, cooked and cleaned, bathed the baby and put her to bed. my husband checked out. and then had the nerve to ask why I wasn’t paying him any attention. I started to drink. I went to rehab, and my husband, fought me the whole way. HE wanted the program to be shorter, HE wanted to continue working at a job that didn’t pay him. I was on disability, and had a name for the disease I developed, Fibromyalgia. I had quit drinking so I had no pain management. I got put on psych meds for the fibromyalgia. My side effect? Psychosis/ bipolar/ and increase in pain symptoms. ALL BECAUSE THE DOCTORS REFUSED TO TREAT MY PAIN WITH NARCOTICS. I was put in an inpatient facility, nearly lost my life, lost my home, nearly my marriage and family. We had to move in with my in laws whom are divorced. The move from one of my husbands family property was degrading and heartless. During the move I became very ill, I found out I was pregnant despite using birth control. I had an abortion, and a break down(hence the psych hospitalization). My MIL is a certified narcissist and prescription drug abuser. She walks around high instigating fights, can’t remember what year it is at times and stalks me. STALKS ME.  3 agonizing years later I am almost done with school, am sober, and have tentative pain treatment… thanks kaiser smh. I’ve been applying but have gotten the same response; your great but we went with someone else! My husband has relized his faults and is trying to make a mends. Unfortunately, we are know in financial ruin and his job disney cover all of our most basic necessities working full-time. we live i the bay area. AND we do not qualify for public assistance. I try, I fail. I am fucking depressed and angry. I hate my life, I feel held back by my kid and husband and I feel like a horrible person because of that. I want to disappear forever.