I Don’t Know

  July 29th, 2017 by thehusk

My mind is trying to be too many contradictory things. So many conflicting urges and impulses, perceptions and reactions. There’s no compromise between them. I’m an awful, worthless person who deserves to die in a fire. Or I’m fundamentally kind and good natured. I should be behind bars, or dead in a ditch, or burning in hell. Or I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

I should satisfy my compulsions and habits. Or I should resist and abstain. I should seek help through therapy. Or I’m beyond help, and should simply wipe myself out. I should hurt myself. Or protect myself from suffering.

Killing myself would rid the world of my cancerous presence. Or it would rob it of my contribution. It would save those I might harm. Or it would destroy the family who love me. I am responsible for terrible harms to others. Or I’ve had very little negative impact on anyone.

I’m rude, arrogant, aloof, and narcissistic. Or I’m kind, considerate, and empathetic. I’m lazy, and immoral. Or I’m conscientious and hard-working. I’m chronically socially inept to the point where I’m unable to function in the world. Or I’m quietly charming and charismatic. I’m pathetic and childish to an extent that’s impossible to recover from. Or my issues could be easily overcome with a little application & assistance.

There is no god, no soul, no free will, & no objective morality. Or my spirit will spend an eternity in torment for the life I’ve lived. I am an intelligent and rational being accurately perceiving the world. Or I’m in denial, so biased by my poor behavior that I will reject what seems obvious to most others, or twisted by my extreme isolation & social failure. Human life is not worth living and should be ended. Or it is valuable and wonderful and should be protected.

Even if I could establish an accurate view of myself and the world, my motivations would still be all over the place. I don’t know how to navigate through them. I have no bearings, no beliefs. There is no core ‘me’ that withstands swings in emotion or circumstance. It’s all just an endless swirl of contradictions. My perspective flips from one minute to the next, and then back again. A lot of the time I just want it out of my head. I want not to see the world like this anymore. I want not to feel this anymore. But I’m habituated to it. I can’t imagine being otherwise and still being me.

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