I’m so exhausted.

I don’t remember ever being happy. I just remember being gone. Gone out to get drunk, gone from my head while I kiss my girlfriend, gone,out of my head while I watch series, play games or listen to music. But That’s about it. I don’t really like anything. I want to die so bad. I’ve wanted to die for so long there are times when I just get desperate to leave because I am so tired of living like this. And I know I’m not going to change,life has no meaning and I cant find anything to convince myself that I can attach any meaning to it. I am empty, I am nothing and my life is empty and it means nothing to anyone. People around me seem to grow and change but I don’t because I don’t have the skills. I am not a human being. I am nothing and I don’t belong here. I have tried to achieve things for so long, and I know I can do them because I can be functional to this system. But I hate it, because I do not belong here. I belong in the dirt, dead with worms eating my flesh. I don’t understand people. I just can’t seem to understand how they reasoning works. I don’t understand how they can live so convinced about who they are or what they want. And even if they are not convinced, they can have fun at least. I don’t have peace, fun, purpose, I lack everything. There has been a constant feeling of doom in my stomach since I’m eleven years old. I remember wanting to die every single day since then. Or at least disappear. I hate myself for not killing myself when I was eleven, it would have been so much easier. I hate everything I know. I want to know less. I hate how the world works and what life is about. It does not make sense to me. I hate EVERY SINGLE thing about life, even having this disgusting human body. I did not ask to be born, so why do my parents force me to live? I’m dead inside and I don’t know If I can take it much longer. I.AM.SO.TIRED.OF.LIFE.