It took me a long time to be able to type the words ‘i’ and ‘feel’ in the same sentence.
I feel like everyone around me is progressing in life while I stuck in the shadows. I feel like I am failing in every aspect of my life. I feel like I want to help others so badly that I forget to help me. And I feel like every plan I make (no matter how small) is just followed by procrastinaton and the realisation that I just can’t do it.
I have never posted before and I already feel like an outsider even though I am not in a physical group.
I feel like I am constantly longing to be someone else. I don’t think I want to die, I feel like I just want to trade places with someone else, so I am really sorry if I’m wasting the time of whoever might read this. Maybe I am in the wrong place but at the same time the fact that I just don’t want to exist as myself anymore makes me understand some people’s stories.
I have been really fortunate in my life. I live in a big house with my parents and two older sister as well as my two dogs. On the outside everything is great. However, every morning I wake up and as I put on makeup and a nice outfit I feel as though I am putting on a mask with a fake smile and I feel as though I am stuffing all my thoughts away and zipping them up.
I am lucky to have a good friendship group but again I still wear that mask around them. I know I can never tell them how I really feel inside. I can’t talk well in front of others though, my mind goes blank and I feel embarrassed as though everyone is going to burst out laughing as soon as I turn my back and I know that sometimes even my mask can’t protect me.
I stay up every night thinking that I can turn my life around step by step but that procrastination just takes over and instead of doing that, I just sink into my thoughts of failure and the disappointment that I will bring upon my family and my boyfriend. I can tell him either. He has no clue how messed up I am, if he knew he would be long gone by now.
I wear a mask for him too. He has had such a hard life so I feel like he won’t understand why all these stupid insignificant things bother me so much. So I just do everything I can to make sure he is okay.
I wear a mask when I’m outside my room, even if I’m on my own. I want to look in the mirror and see someone else. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else I just simply want to trade places and give someone else the amazing life that I have been born into because I know deep down I really don’t deserve it.
I’m so sick of this feeling. I feel like the world would be a better place without me yet I don’t want to die so why do I even exist.
10 comments
Nearly every single sentence in your 10 paragraph essay begins with “I”, or includes an “I” in every sentence (sometimes numerous times).
Don’t feel guilty about it, everyone is self absorbed to some degree so you’re not that different from the 7.2 billion people you’re sharing this planet with.
Not judging here, in fact I only read a partial part of your post. Write “I” and “feel” as much as you want.
Hey captain obvious, reread the first sentence. The whole post is about finally being able to express “I feel…” hence all the “I feel”s. Don’t feel guilty about your stupid comment, not judging here either.
By calling my comment stupid you ARE judging. This here’s a judgement free zone.
Step off, Pilgrim, before I get all easily offended and PMS ey.
Two obvious deductions in one night, I’ll send you a trophy. (I won’t really send you a trophy, I was using a thing called sarcasm again)
Woah, slow down dude. Who the hell pissed on your breakfast today? Did you get bullied again and had to lash out on the internet?
@Black Holez, no I actually defend people against bullies, in real life as well as the internet, which is why I jumped in at Morris’s passive-asshole remark at the OP. You I have no gripe with.
It’s 7.2 billion already? Damn…
I wear masks so ppl dont know who i really am! its shitty but its for there own good.
we will all prevail who we are in the end and time is running short!
If you want someone to talk to on a personal level about what it is you’re going through I’d be more then happy to talk :] just let me know how I can reach you if so.
Obviously you feel there would be catastrophic consequences for unmasking. What are they and why?
You didn’t arrive in this place on your own. Your parents must have encouraged you to mask yourself or you did it out of necessity.
Masks are great tools but problematic crutches.