Mum Dad are you wondering Why did she kill herself?

I’m her mum I loved her more than anyone

so where were you when you I had been raped as a kid? Why didn’t you be the mum and help me ? Why did I have to lie and hide to protect your feelings? I was the kid. I was the one mean to be crying. Instead you cried and lost your shit so i protected you. I just needed someone to help me, why did you have to be weak?

Why are you so depressed ? Why were you so sad all those years? What why? Your a mother your meant to be strong. You brought children into this world. Guide them not let them wander about doing whatever they want, no matter how hard it gets.

You should never have gave up. I bet your thinking that now right? Good. Now maybe you’ll be strong for yourself and the rest of your children.

I’m her father, I’m the man of the house

All I wanted was for you to hug me. Just once. What happened to you were you couldn’t hug your first born? Why couldn’t you ever tell me You love me, I’m beautiful and I deserve all the happiness and I’m worthwhile? That one day I deserve to be with an amazing man and you’ll make sure of it ? Did you ever even have a conversation with me ? No.

You just sat there drinking,  where your problems that bad that you couldn’t even be a father ?!?! It would have been better if you weren’t here physically all these years. Yeah you put a roof over our head but that Dosnt mean it was a home! I don’t know what a father is… your a stranger sitting in the  back drinking.

your problems are not my fault. Man up, be a father. Put the bottle down. Get help. What your teaching us to drown ourselves? Yeah .. you are. Stop ignoring your children and life, coz one day they’ll go and then what…

youll cry for me and say oh I wish I held you and asked you what could I have done to stop this? You know what to do, just make sure you don’t let the rest of your children end up like me.

Why did you let me see you both stressing? The screaming and fighting. Money this money that. Was money more important than love ? Is it more important than love? I understand money is important but not more than love. I was a little girl.. all these years, I watched how having no money ripped you two appart turn you into … what? I don’t even know. Zombies. You’re not meant to show your child that crap. I hate you both for putting that fear of being absent of money in my soul. I had an absolute amazing childhood then I heard you two arguing…

Just go sit in the corner and figure out how to love.

I grew up not knowing how to love properly, sold my soul for money, I saw the world for what it is and I can’t handle it. Now I’m here in my grave broken waiting to burn in hell. God please forgive and have mercy on my family and I.

*** if my parents and family ever end up reading this I’m sorry for writing what I wrote. I just had to say it. I know you are good people. You both have amazing hearts. I just have too many deamons inside me. I love you all