My Hello Post (kinda lengthy)

Well I’ve been dragged back down again to this point although i just discovered this site yesterday. Anyway, im 24 years old (female) and everyone tells me that i have my whole life ahead of me, and it scares me. I see no potential in myself or my future, so why drag it out for how ever long I’ve got left? I grew up in a pretty loveless household and didn’t get a real hug from my mom until i was maybe 7. No father and my mom has repeated to me that she’s not the mothering type. I was bullied in school ever since 5th grade (looks mainly), and molested at home (step father, typical) at the same time. And yes i did tell her twice what happened and both times they talked and she came to me saying he didn’t mean it. My extended family also doesn’t really believe it happened even though a few of them have suffered some sexual abuse, but that’s another story. My stepdad eventually died when I got to 9th or 10th grade, and i had already moved away with my grandma and of course i didn’t care. I endured emotional abuse and jabs about my appearance at home and school which has followed me forever. I did manage to make a few friends then, but they were out of convenience because everything fell off once we graduated. Now leading to what made me write this post. I fuck up everything. At one point in time i had potential, but I pissed it all away. Despite the fact im a social pariah i once thought i could have a good life. However my life just seems to spiral more and more. Like some of you, i have no real friends and im terrible at picking em. I actually have a small fear of new people because i feel like everyone’s going to use me or eventually just get bored. I have dated some and ended up worse than before. My first and only real boyfriend slapped me around and verbally abused me, and I’m still nursing my wounds from a three year relationship in which i was apparently just a fling. Anyway, most people i meet think I’m smart and ask me about college which is another sore spot for me. I didn’t finish and I’m now thousands of dollars in debt because all of my college aid got cut off a month before the end of the semester. So i left early and of course the familiar depression came along. It also doesn’t help that my health is pretty poor with no real diagnoses. I’ve racked up quite a few a bills with blood transfusions, stomach ailments, and hospital stays for something I’m still getting tested for. I basically feel like I’m drowning. I do work, but i feel like it’s all a dead end. It sucks to look around at people my age or even younger who’ve accomplished so many things already, and im stuck working a dead end job and once again living with my mom. Every day is a struggle and i constantly want to end it. I try to talk to my mom since she’s technically my only friend, but she just laughs or either doesnt respond to me and continues playing solitaire. It sucks to know that my feelings don’t matter at all, and she also refuses to stop trying to convince me my stepdad was a good person. Im stressed all the time which doesnt help whatever’s wrong with me, and i feel like I’ll never work anywhere where i can make a living wage. Most of money is eaten up by bills and the rest is food, so i feel like im doing this for nothing. I had so many plans for myself at this age and instead im forced to sit back while everyone else continues to live the life of their dreams and i learn the best method to end it. I could go on and on about my feelings, but i think you’ve got the point. I feel like a waste of space with no real talents or value whatsoever. I also feel like it’s just too late to turn things around and I’m doomed to become some old bag lady on the streets. Im not even concerned about the pain or being a “pretty corpse” anymore. I’m just looking into sure fire ways to kill myself. I would say I’d like to start over, but thats false. Im completely burnt out on this life game and i don’t care to participate anymore. I dont even want an afterlife. I just want everything to end. Despite all that, its that damn fear of commitment that keeps me here.  Fuck.