So… Over the past month I’ve realized that i’ve done a series of things putting myself in dangerous situations without realizing that it could have killed me. Maybe it was just a way of me wanting to die but not understanding why I did it.
You see… I can’t swim. I went on a boat with my boyfriend, best friend and her boyfriend and we were all drinking having fun on a lake. My best friend and her boyfriend jumped off the boat into the water and I got jealous. Now everyone knows I can’t swim… so when i said I wanna do it, big surprise they all protested. My boyfriend knows I can’t swim, but I’ve never gotten in water with him so he didn’t exactly know. Some how I convinced him to let me jump off with him (big mistake) I jumped off the boat first before him so he could see when I would come up. As I jumped, I yelled “Sink or Swim!” not totally thinking as I sank like a rock. The only reason I came back to the surface was cause he found me under water and pulled me up. Lets just say he was PISSED. So long story short, no more water for me.
The second time was at a cottage without my boyfriend there. I was lonely, and upset and depressed about who knows what really. My sister was there and I often get into huge fights with her cause I’m jealous that she gets everything in life and I screw up. But anyways… I have a drinking problem. So I did what I do best and got drunk to forget. But… I drank so much… so fast… at 2am that night I was so sick I was rushed to the hospital with Alcohol Poisoning and got a major lecture from the doctor who basically saved me. Once again, my boyfriend was PISSED.
Now I just realized that this all seems like I’m absently suicidal without realizing. It worries me slightly. Why am I not putting in any effort to live? I don’t understand.
9 comments
How do you feel about your life?
Not too sure tbh
At least you’re somewhat coming to realise that you’re not okay, you need to look at your problems directly, you’ve already highlighted your drinking problem, it’s the problems that need solving to better adapt to being able to care about living.
I think impulsive suicide attempts are the most dangerous because you don’t think until it’s too late. You mentioned your bf was pissed both times, have you told him or has he figured out that you think about suicide? Or do you hide it from everyone? Not that it would make a huge difference, but maybe he would learn to pick up on when you’re getting urges and keep you out of trouble.
I haven’t told him directly, but he does know that I have been and that I have depression. I worry him enough ya know… don’t want him to worry more..
You sound completely normal to me. Growing up sometimes involves banging your head against a wall… several times.
I do it quite a lot unfortunatel
So did I.
Eventually you will get to the “why” of what you do. Also, you have mad amounts of energy to spare and boredom is a big enemy. You are gonna get into trouble. It’s all part of growing up. Some do it quicker. Some do it slower. You have you’re unique speed and if someone doesn’t like it, fuck’em.
amen.