That 5am feeling

July 25th, 2017by thehusk

Loneliness is a strange thing. I couldn’t say quite how it feels. There’s this persistent sense that someone else should be here with you. But it’s more than just wanting a physical presence. I have this deep psychological longing for someone to understand. To really understand who and what I am. For someone to see what I do and the reasons I do it. To feel what I feel. To not be alone in my experience of the world.

I’m not sure that’s possible for anyone, let alone someone as fucked up as me. Everyone is confined to their own unique experience, their filters for viewing reality. You can’t ever really know that someone else sees the world in the same way you do, or is on your wavelength. That they perceive, experience, and understand in the same way that you do. All you can do is look for signs, signals that something similar might be going on in their mind. And hope that your guesses bear some semblance to reality.

But it’s not like that even matters for me. I don’t believe in ‘soulmates’, in the sense of the one special person you’re ‘supposed’ to be with. But even if there was a female equivalent of me, someone ‘on my level’, then I probably wouldn’t want anything to do with them. I imagine they’d be serving a life sentence somewhere, have terrible personal hygiene, and be a nightmare to be around.

The point being that anyone who got anywhere close to the truth of who I am and still wanted to be with me would have to be so desperate or disturbed that I wouldn’t want to be with them. I don’t deserve a relationship, of any kind. Even if I could find someone that I liked enough to overcome my general misanthropy, the only way I could get them to stick around would be to lie about most of my life and self. Which would kind of defeat the purpose.

I guess it’s just one of the many problems that arises from being a piece of shit. But it’s not something I can really change in the short term.

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