I feel such a freedom when I think of dying, freedom from every problem I have in this life. I think I have been here long enough to be able to choose to leave. I think I have tried long enough to live, to be able to die. To be honest I am so damn sick of this life, this country, and people in general. I decided to write out what I want in life last night, what really matters. I have no interest in status, money, picking girls up in bars, sports cars, or shitty 9-5 jobs. I really have no patience left and no tolerance for the bullshit in this society, so I come across as an asshole to most. What I want in life is to be myself. I want to be free to do what I want, to follow my truth and to become awakened to truth, and who I am. I am so sick of dealing with the bullshit of society and people expecting me to conform myself to a little box. To think what everyone else thinks, and to become an obedient slave to blind mediocrity. Honesty I see society and this corrupt country as a bad joke. I just feel like people are so fake, so shallow. I mean let’s be honest, here is how I really see life. You are born then you go through school where you are trained to be an obedient drone for the work force. You are taught to only speak when called on, to be quiet, and to always follow directions. Creativity and self expansion is stamped out in place of obedience and test scores. Then you get a shitty 9-5 job making crap money doing something you hate. You go to work to pay for your car, and you get the car to go to work. You spend years doing the same shit, watching meaningless boring shit on tv, and watching the news everyday. Then you start a family, and have some kids. Raise the kids, buy a house. Then get old, and die in some shitty nursing home. So many people spend their lives chasing that which means nothing. I see death as a really nice shortcut around all of this shit. Anybody else out there feel like life is supposed to be more than this? Status, money, ego, they mean absolutely nothing to me, and I would chose personal freedom and purpose in life over those any day. I need more out of life, if I decide to stay. I really feel lost in my life without meaning or direction.
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I feel like everything in life is just a coping mechanism. We forget ourselves when we work, we don’t think about death, the inevitable end.
But, I do still feel like there is this higher awareness that is beyond words, it works through all of us. It’s not a dictator like being up in heaven, but energy that grows in experience. We were given our bodies at birth, then our names, then the people around us told us who were are, but when you start questioning your origins, you awaken to Who It Is That You Are, and What This Is All About. Life.
When I come to this deeper realization, it makes me smile every time. I look at my human hands wowed, and I notice how my breathe goes on without me telling it to, it flows with time. I and every other being is participates in a connected consciousness. To awaken to this is what will propel society to stop being so divided and to treat our earth better.
Now, life is about the negative and positive. We have to come to accept that while their is goodness, their is also evil that must be there to bring about a balance in this world.
You don’t have to participate in society like everyone else does. Look, you will die in less then 100 years, and everyone else around you. I don’t know who you are, I’ve never heard of you or your story, and in a couple generations your name will be erased from earth. As if you never existed. You can do two things with this. Let it make u miserable as hell, or let it free you so you can really live the life you want. Without being afraid of making any mistakes. You Will Lose Everything, Just Like Everyone Else. You Have Nothing To Lose.
To enjoy this existence, in the finite time I have is my goal.
Now I’m still 16, young and I don’t know what I will decide to do with my life.
I may travel, maybe join the workforce like a robot, or commit suicide. I don’t know yet, and so I just wait.
What do you want to do?
“What do you want to do?” That is the million dollar question, and I have had a really hard time answering that question honestly. I guess for me, I really want to do what I feel is real. Being in love with somebody and connected with them on a real level, listening to powerful (sometimes inspiring, sometimes extremely depressing) music, trying to help people, writing music, continuing personal growth. What I really want in life is to have a real and meaningful life. I want to discard any masks I wear, find self respect and confidence, be myself, and follow what I am passionate about.
DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.
You are right, suicide is a shortcut to all of that crap (working, school, nursing home etc.) The only true freedom is in death.
Couldn’t agree with you more wolf. Couldn’t agree with you more 😛
There is an alternative to the life you described but the world we live in makes it extremely difficult to achieve sadly, you’ve to find a balanced level in compromisation, to live that life to a certain extent to achieve another form of life that is true happiness.
Death is a shortcut yes, in the end the reality is if you want everything gone that is the only solution, but there is ways to also not want everything gone, not everything in life is bs.
I believe you are right, not everything is bullshit. I feel I have become jaded due to an overload of bullshit and fake people over the years. I should probably reconnect with what feels real to me in life, and remind myself on a regular basis that some people still think for themselves, and are genuine people. If anything good has come from the long term misery of my life, it’s the fact that I have been learning to examine myself and everything, and learn to connect with which matters, and disconnect from that which does not.
There are alternatives, you don’t have to follow the path society pushes. (Get good grades, get a job, mate, reproduce, get in debt, be a wage slave till you retire, etc). What’s stopping you from taking the road less traveled? Figure out what you want and pursue it, even if all you want is to go against the grain.
You’ll die eventually, that’s a given, but you’re alive now so you might as well mix it up while you can.
(Boringly upbeat and optimistic, I know, feel free to delete this gibberish).
Wow, how did I miss this post? I absolutely love it, and @Wolfenstein I think you’re absolutely right. I haven’t figured the problem of personal freedom out yet either…but I feel like I’m missing something. There’s a piece of wisdom that eludes me, something that will make my life feel more okay. That’s what I feel.
I don’t give a shit about anything either. I do not work set hours (which I like), and I’m just saving up to go traveling and live temporarily in other cities. What do I enjoy in life… good conversation (face-to-face, preferably), good food and alcohol, beautiful scenery, etc.
Getting married, having kids and pets? Forget it. (But I wouldn’t say no to somehow becoming wealthy.)
Yeah, life is short. Why not take risks? Why not embark on foolish adventures?
I’ve always thought that one advantage that suicidal people have is that they don’t give a shit about the future, (which makes them less adverse to risk. If you’ve got nothing to lose, why not bet it all)?
Accepting one’s own impending mortality should be a cause for celebration, not a reason to be depressed.
Agree with the last part. The best thing about life is that no bad decision is final–we all die.
It’s a weird problem I have. You would think that being at the point of suicide should be freeing in that I have nothing to lose, so it should be easy for me to take risks. For some reason though I still have a hard time taking risks in life. I don’t exactly know why but the anxiety of failing, and the fear of change still has alot of control over me.