What do I do?

Okay so usually the depression and anxiety is constant without any particular reason as to why I feel that way. I’m sure you all get that and know what it’s like. However I currently have a problem and I don’t know how to fix it. I have been isolating myself, trying to ignore it but obviously this is only making me feel worse. So please tell me what the right thing is to do. I am already a piece of shit and I don’t fancy the idea of hurting those around me.

They story begins with me and my best friend. Everyone thought we were an odd match because “boys and girls can’t be friends without there being romance involved”. I called bullshit! We spent as much time together as we could, being weird and gross, wingmaning each other, going on adventures. We called each other all the time and he was my go to guy if I ever needed anything. He was the only person I trusted.

Then, being the absolute idiot I am, I decided it would be cool to set him up with my only other friend. Which was a weird thing for me to do because we have a rough history, all throughout high school every time I told her I had a crush on someone she would go and get with him. Then when I started dating a guy long term she was talking to him behind by back. I didn’t talk to her for 2 years but then forgave her because I decided my ex boyfriend was the awful one and she probably wasn’t at fault that much.

They hit it off straight away and started dating. I was so happy for both of them at first. But then I realised that I was in love with my best friend and I got super jealous. I got drunk one night and told him. When he asked me about it the next day I denied it because they were already together and I didn’t think he would like me back.

But then they both forgot I existed. I barely heard from them at all. At first I didn’t say anything at all because all new couples are like that. But it had been a month and i hadn’t seen either of them and I missed my best friend. So I called him and told him that I felt a bit lonely. So we hung out a few times but it just wasn’t really the same.

Then my birthday came around and I was throwing a party. My best mate had been overseas and bought me back beautiful gifts of simple things that i love. By this point I had excepted that they were together now and I just had to get use to being on my own.

That night we were all super drunk and my best friends girlfriend spewed and went to bed early. Later that night I was talking to him and he kissed me. I was so so shocked that I ran away. He came and found me and I said, “What about your girlfriend? She’s my friend too, its not right! And I’m moving away for a year!”(I’m moving to Europe).
He confessed his love for me and told me that he couldn’t stop thinking about me he wanted to be with me, not her. And that It didn’t matter that I was moving away, it was only for a year and he would come visit me. Then we kissed again.

The next day I felt so so guilty so I went to his house to talk to him about it all. He said he didn’t really remember much from the night so I filled in the blanks. He said he still meant what he said.

The next weekend we went out clubbing and we hooked up again. Of course I felt super super guilty but I was in love with him…

Then I didn’t see him in a few weeks because I was studying and I hear from another one of his friends that he is planning to take his girlfriend all around Europe when she graduates from uni (which is another 2 years away). When he told me that he would fly to Europe to be with me once I moved over there.

I confronted him about it and he said that he couldn’t hurt Grace and their relationship deserved a shot but after a while he would end it, be single for a bit then be with me for good. You know, marry your best friend and everything. I thought that was awful, it was not only super unfair on his poor girlfriend but also on me. I said if he stays with her then I would never be with him like that, not ever. He said he was going to stay with her and I accepted that and agreed to going back being friends and nothing more.

He then forgot that I existed again and I barely heard from him.

Then one night someone who was basically a member of my family died in a tragic accident. I called my best mate but he didn’t answer because it was 1:30am, he would of been asleep. He didn’t bother calling me back the next day until he read the news online and saw that there had been an accident down my road. He called me to ask who it was then said he could come see me or call me later. It felt like he just wanted to know who has died for a bit of town gossip. I didn’t hear from my best friend again until the night before the funeral when he asked me to go have tea with him at the local pub. I declined the offer because I was a mess. He sent me one message after the funeral saying that he hoped it was a beautiful day and i said thanks. Then i didn’t hear from him again.

Until last week I was at an auction and he was there too. He said Hi so I mumbled Hi and walked off. I went home and was absolutely devastated. My sister knew I was upset so she dragged me out to see a band. My best friend was there too. He was drunk and he came over to me and asked why I barely spoke to him earlier in the day. I explained that the only time I really needed my best mate (after the accident) he wasn’t there for me so he obviously didn’t care about me so why should I waste my time caring about him. He started making up stories about how busy he had been. I informed him that I had seen his snapchats of him drinking with the boys, taking his girlfriend away for the weekend, having wine and cheese, etc.

So he decided to buy me drinks to make up for it. I wasn’t meant to be drinking because of my medication and I got super drunk. He kept buying me more drinks though. Next thing I know I was being woken up by a bouncer because I has passed out on the toilet floor. They carried me outside and dumped me in the street. My sisters boyfriend found me and was carrying me to the car when i started spewing. He was holding me up while i spewed. Then my “best mate” came over and started videoing it to sent to everyone so my sisters boyfriend hit him.

I talked to my “best mates” girlfriend on the phone this morning and she was laughing because he had told her how I had got super drunk and ruined everyones night but he never told her why or what he did.

Its been 3 months since the kiss. I feel so so guilty every time I see his girlfriend but I guess also jealous.They have now booked a trip away together, a trip that me and him had planned to do once I moved back home. And I am so angry at him too. Do I tell her what happened and break her heart and have her hate me and him. Or do I continue keeping it a secret and lie for him? What do I do?