What follows

  July 20th, 2017 by thehusk

When that which motivates you, drives you, and feels essential also seems impossible, what follows? Suicide. But what if you’re afraid of death? Of the possibilities of existence and judgement beyond. Of doing something hasty or irrational. Afraid of devastating the lives of those who have given everything to you. Afraid of giving up on the possibility that somehow, at some undetermined point, things will magically turn around, and your life will seem meaningful again.

So, not suicide then. At least not yet. So what then? What do you do with this hole where purpose should be? You negotiate with your depression. With your extreme feelings of hopelessness, anger, resentment. With your desire to chuck in the towel. You try to do self care. To eat well, though nothing seems to make a difference to how exhausted you feel. You try to do the basics to take care of your body, though it all feels pointless, as you’re slowly falling apart. You do a little work, though it’s usually back-breaking and tedious or mind numbing and irritating. You try to reason yourself into being a decent person, when really you’re a garbage human who just wants everything to die already. When the extreme lows hit you try and absorb yourself in something that can provide even a shred of imaginary fulfillment.

But still, every day, you wake up feeling utterly lost, wondering why. Why am I still here? What am I enduring this for? What’s the point of anything? And you struggle to remind yourself of the reasons. Why you should get out of bed, and eat, and work, and take care of your body, rather than just allowing yourself to wither away.

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