then and now

I used to love life… every bit of it.

I used to love traveling and staying up late and being with friends.

But now my mind and body has become a mobile prison I cannot escape.

Travelling meant I had to suffer from continuous worry that somehow this trip will end up badly and my mom will find out how I tried to escape from the chaos of our home.

Staying up late meant that I had to battle my mind’s endless debates on how my life will end up; good or bad (the bad side always wins). I would always find a reason to stay awake and that alone will make me lose it.

Friends will be there and I will tell them I love their support, but in the back of my mind, I will definitely doubt if the support they’re showing me will last – or if it is true in the very least.

Anxiety has become my captor, and I can find no means of escape.

The daily struggle is slowly pulling me down.

My bed has become a tangible nightmare, I am afraid to go near it because if I do, I know that my mind will start again and I know that pretty soon, tears will follow.

Questions will attack me and answers will be silent, I will be deafened by the noise inside my head, and it is all because of my own doing.

Words keep spilling on this computer screen and so does my tears. I will end this here, because if I don’t I’m afraid it will not end along with – hopefully – my life.